codependent on my pre-transition self?

At the very end of a therapy session, my counselor tossed out a very speculative idea:

Perhaps I have a codependent relationship with my pre-transition self. [1]

We did not explore the idea further, being out of time, but I committed to processing the idea and getting back to them with my thoughts. I also committed to thinking about whether this might be a common dynamic in the transition process.

What motivated their thinking was that we were discussing the idea that the two most significant (and completely unrequited) romantic hopes of my post-transition life to date might be as much symbols of my transition process and progress as they were about love for the women involved. (And yes, I did love these women very much).

We were discussing how I have been clinging to a few of my remaining masculine features because I felt semi-subconsciously that I needed these masculine features to attract these women. See the post “abandoning my remaining masculinity” for a further discussion of this idea.

Codependency was already on their mind, because I started the session by informing them that I recently enrolled in a codependency treatment group to address my extreme reaction (intense suicidality and loss of ability to function) to heartbreak.

Reference

  1. M., T. Therapy session. 1 April 2017. (I’ll put their full name when I publish this as a book, with their permission).
fearing for my life in Kashmir
orgasms on my own terms

Post Author: Emily

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