I am not a rational person, and this is not a rational story.
It started three weeks ago. The inflection points nearly killed me.
Some background: I’ve romantically loved a woman whom I’ve called “Carol” on this blog consistently for the last two years. She rejected my advance and cut me out of her life soon after. The latter I could never handle; being cut out of her life. I mean I really could not handle it and sank into severe depression. During the last two years I pursued other women and men, but was unsuccessful, so my heart continually turned to my grief surrounding Carol.
Periodically I would try to reconnect with her, and the result was always a disaster. She continued to cut me off.
Lovesickness set in, despair and depression set in, suicidal ideation set in. I held myself together as best I could: Wrote songs. Wrote stories for this blog. Pursued comprehensive medical treatment.
But the severe depression continued, and I realized about four weeks ago that she treats me with antagonism and hostility—that more is going on than romantic rejection. I knew I did not deserve such hostility.
And I realized that antagonism and hostility—and being completely cut off—from the person I cared most about in the world was driving my suicidal ideation.
So I told her very bluntly that I need her to treat me better. That I need kindness from her. I explained what her treatment was doing to my mental health in very clear—and medical—terms. I told her that the situation was severe and acute. I explained that I really just need a little kindness and compassion.
I published that letter in my post “publishing a cry for relief“.
To her credit, she responded to the acute nature of the situation by getting someone she knew to call my mother.
However, she accused me of “threatening” suicide and “trying to place the blame on her.” (To be fair, I can understand this interpretation). She implied that I was bluffing.
There was no bluff, and I did not threaten anything. I merely stated the “facts” as I saw them. Admittedly, my viewpoint and approach is distorted by mental illness and irrationality, but I was trying to solve a problem: I simply needed her to treat me better so I wouldn’t feel suicidal.
The issue here is that nothing else I’ve tried in the last two years has attenuated the suicidality, so I had to try something drastic. I was desperate for relief and determined to survive.
The point is, I might be mentally ill, but I’m also extremely decent. I hold myself to high standards of character.
So I would never threaten suicide as a ploy, to manipulate. I would never use it in a bluff.
When a person says they are suicidal and need kindness, they mean it.
As it was, she demanded (with the most hostility I’d ever heard from her) that I never contact her again. I received no kindness and compassion. No empathy.
Pearls to swine.
So here is where things get apeshit:
I was afterward tempted to go through with suicide to prove my integrity. To show that I was not manipulating her or bluffing for attention. To prove my honor and character.
Its MUCH more dangerous when thoughts of suicide take on feelings of “honor” and “heroism”.
The serpent was subtle.