my obsession (part 1: introduction)

My primary obsession and my number one suicide prevention technique relate to each other.

First the suicide prevention technique: I maximize my femininity and feminine expression. Do not know why this works, because the most frequent driver of suicidal ideation for me has nothing to do with gender dysphoria (it’s heartbreak). But emphasizing femininity really works for me! My guess is that I’m more “in tune with the universe” when expressing it.

Moreover, beyond suicide prevention, I reach for happiness. Femininity proves key to achieving happiness for me. Vital. A critical path.

But this alone does not suggest any direction regarding the masculinity I retain.

However, now I will discuss my obsession: To rid myself (consciously and subconsciously) of all masculinity. Completely; leaving no trace behind.

This clashes with my conventional wisdom that all individuals channel a mix of feminine and masculine properties. I’m saying I don’t want the masculine at all. Shut that flow down!

At some level I feel that (for me) maximizing femininity requires giving up all masculinity. A zero-sum game. Reality for other people need not align with this.

This series of posts will explore the obsession and how I choose to act on it.

Update 30 September 2017

These next few paragraphs prove rather disturbing: I previously observed in “a compromise adaptation to the problem of suicidal ideation” that I experience my suicidal ideation as internal visions of stabbing my wrists or shooting myself in the head. These visions occurred at some baseline frequency even when experiencing decent mental health.

But after writing the above yesterday, things suddenly changed. I (so far) no longer have these images. But images of stabbing or cutting off my penis replaced them. (I’m NOT going to do this, by the way!). I’ve never experienced genital-targeted self-harm ideation before. Basically I’m perhaps subconsciously redirecting the “blame” for the pain I want to release away from “myself” and toward my masculine genitals—which I’m seeing more and more as separate from myself.

This last part, seeing my masculine genitals as more and more separate for myself, feels natural given that I am on track for gender affirmation surgery. For most of my post-public-transition life, I’ve not cared much what genitalia I hold, as I delivered femininity as core identity and outward presentation.

But, as per my effort to maximize my femininity to increase my happiness, and in concordance with my obsession of removing all masculinity from my life, the nature of my genitalia now matters.

the ideal woman (Hell’s r&d department)
the one song I kept (artistic synthesis)

Post Author: Emily

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