As expressed previously on this blog (see “the trick to changing your gender…”), I habitually reconstruct my life. This skill proved essential to my public transition and continually issues economic dividends.
I now stand at an inflection point where I need to reinvent myself again from scratch. You see, the last five years delivered unprecedented upheaval in my life, so much that I have yet to fully adjust to and recover from it all. To provide context, in the last five years I:
- Publicly became Emily
- Fell in love, and lost big, thrice
- Lost a job I enjoyed and held for a decade
- Experienced multiple psychiatric episodes (mostly suicidal ideation)
- Visited India and Kashmir
- Released two deeply introspective rock albums
- Discovered that I enjoy having men penetrate me
Only about half of these experiences prompted suffering, but all of them taken together severely disrupted my holistic comfort and security. Consequently my worldview must adapt if I’m to continue delivering my best to the world. I need to rebuild.
I completely need to rebuild. To examine every feature of my life.
For clarity, I hold tremendous assets to step forward with, e.g.,
- A roof over my head
- Supportive family and friends
- Great access to mental and physical healthcare
- An education complemented by significant work experience
- Enormous creativity
- An open mind
- Modest cash flow
So I’m advancing with resources in place.
My First Two Steps
I’ve decided to start by building a life that radically promotes kindness, and to wear dresses everyday.
I hold kindness up as my highest value. So I begin my reconstruction with a firm commitment to delivering kindness at all opportunity. I love greatly, and a clear dictate from the New Testament states that “Love is patient, love is kind.” . Therefore we start with kindness.
I’ll write more about kindness in the future.
“Emily”—the person, the spirit, the identity—sustained a major beating in the last five years. She resisted despair by asserting her femininity at every turn. Clothing provides a physical declaration of gender, and nothing more so than feminine dresses. So I plan to wear dresses every day from now on unless there is a good reason not to (e.g., fixing my car or SCUBA diving).
I cannot fully explain why this matters so much to me. But I have noticed (again I cannot explain it) that my life simply “works” better when I wear a dress than when I wear a skirt and a top. It could be confidence brimming up and therefore providing fruit, or could be the universe confirming my decision—most likely it is both.
I describe making an “intent board” or “vision board” in my post “make an intent board“. Basically on an intent board you paste images to a poster or Pinterest that represent your goals, values, and positive traits. Then you review it regularly for conscious and subconscious guidance.
My intent board includes four whole sections on dresses to celebrate and encourage the joy I experience while wearing them:
- 1 Corinthians 13:4. (New International Version)