thriving vs. merely surviving

Often I lose sight of my longterm goal (to thrive) to make room in my psyche for my short term survival goals related to preventing self harm. Realized this morning that this behavior only “positively” feedbacks into the distress itself—that giving a measured quantity of attention toward thriving will better dampen the distress in the […]

a perceived bluff and an honorable suicide

I am not a rational person, and this is not a rational story. It started three weeks ago. The inflection points nearly killed me. Some background: I’ve romantically loved a woman whom I’ve called “Carol” on this blog consistently for the last two years. She rejected my advance and cut me out of her life […]

publishing a cry for relief

Here is a letter I wrote about four weeks ago. I’m publishing it now because these stories must be made public for the world to become a better place: ———–, I’m sorry but I’m extremely suicidal and need (and wholeheartedly trust) your intervention. You know I’m no drama queen, you know I struggle with mental […]

draft lyrics about bipolar disorder and gender dysphoria

I wrote these lyrics a decade ago to explain bipolar disorder to myself. They also are about distraction-seeking behavior with regard to the stress of gender dysphoria: I was a kid driving blind when I wanted distraction Looking for God or a new manic high Looking for privilege or a new discontentment Looking for someone […]

estrogen deficit disorder

Potential correlation: I’ve recently upped my estrogen dose, and have recently been happier than I’ve been at anytime in the last two years. What if the two are related? What if my brain expects a certain baseline level of estrogen to function best that it never received until now? There is evidence that hormone administration […]