my hypothesis at 15

When I was four, my family lived in Turkey. But there were no OBGYNs in the country for American military families, so my mom flew to Germany to give birth to my sister. While I’m not sure how long she was gone, I think it was at least two months.

So I felt abandoned by my mother during this period, and then she returned with a baby that of course required significant attention. So I think my four year-old mind still felt abandoned and in need of attention even though my mother had returned.

The new baby was female.

At 15, I developed the following hypothesis for the origin of my gender dysphoria: My subconscious mind at four decided that I would get love and not be abandoned if I were a girl, as evidenced by all the attention going to ensure my sister’s survival and growth at the time.

Not a bad hypothesis for a 15 year-old! I was a very introspective teenager.

At 41, I suspect this event still might have played a role, but I also suspect biological origins as per those described in my post “the science of gender identity (part 4)”.

The sad irony in this story is that I now feel a strong lack of love resulting from becoming a woman. Not from my parents, not from my friends. But from a woman I fell in love with about a year and a half ago who, I am told by third party, couldn’t be with another woman.

Dating is hard when you are trans. Things feel really lonely right now.

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