When it comes to sex, the fabulous book She Comes First declares that the vagina-carrying population reaches orgasm through cunnilingus 81% of the time, compared with 25% of the time through vaginal intercourse . Therefore, it behooves those of us who enjoy pleasing such individuals to gain skill with oral sex.
One key requirement is tongue endurance — you need to be able to last long enough to light your partner up! Fortunately, you can strengthen your tongue with exercise tools — a “gym” of sorts — devised from parts available from any hardware store. Furthermore, these tools prove easy to clean between workout sessions; just swipe the surfaces with ethanol.
Essentially, exercise your tongue with various light controls — switches, sliders, and rotators, as pictured below. (Note that I had to add a clamp to the rotator to give the tongue something to push against). Use various up and down and side-to-side motions on the switches, varying the pattern. Also employ pushing motions against these. Similarly, apply random movements through the full range of the sliders and the rotators. For all these devices, use them in both vertical and horizontal configurations to work different muscles.
The resistance provided by these devices will strengthen your tongue. That being said, start slowly, then build up; that last muscle you want to pull in the process is the one you speak and kiss with!
Note that I do NOT recommend using the controls already installed in the wall of your house/apartment/whatever. That would be unsanitary since everyone’s hands get all over these. Create a specific “gym” for your tongue like that shown below, and keep your hands off the surfaces:
Kerner, Ian. 2004. She Comes First. New York. HarperCollins.
I’m not a psychologist, not a social worker, not a medical doctor. In fact, I’m not a doctor of any kind. Just a highly intelligent and introspective citizen scientist. (Yes, I hold a baccalaureate).
Oh, and I happen to be transgender: Thirty-nine years living publicly as a man, approaching four years living publicly as a woman.
And I’ve studied the science of gender identity in exhaustive detail; I happen to be a scientist by trade.
And I’ve seen more therapists than I care to count.
First Define Therapeutic Goals
Let’s first define therapeutic goals, appropriate for transgender clients of any age:
Client learns they are responsible for their own learning
Client learns suicide prevention and distress tolerance skills
Client learns how to respond emotionally and socially to harassment and bullying
Client learns how to respond emotionally and strategically to discrimination
Clients learn the correct language and choose what applies to them
“Transgender” vs. “transsexual” vs. “intersex” vs. “transvestite” vs. “cross-dresser” vs. “genderqueer” vs. “drag queen” vs. etc.
Gender identity vs. sexual orientation
“Trans” vs. “cis”
“Transwoman” vs. “transman”
E.g., a man who becomes a woman is a “transgender woman”, not a “transgender man”!
Why the “T” is included in “LGBT”
Client will not need a theologian or a philosopher to tell them they are right with the divine and/or the universe
Although I admit it helps emotionally!
Client will not need an evolutionary psychologist or an anthropologist to tell them they are right with society
Although I admit it helps emotionally!
Client experiences daily joy
Client understands that a gender transition (of any kind or degree) will not cure all their ills
We all still have death and taxes
Client knows their legal rights in their jurisdiction
Clients are appropriately guided toward biomedical interventions, where desired
Clients become aware that the transgender community exists and is networked
We have a history and mythology, e.g.,
The Stonewall Rebellion
This was just as much about gender variance as it was about non-heterosexuality, a fact that the “mainstream” queer movement swept under the rug until recently
Joan of Arc
The Rebecca Riots
We have a music community (e.g., G.L.O.S.S., Trap Girl, Axis Evil featuring Napalm Fatale, Against Me, and QTPi Xpress).
Disclosure: I am “Axis Evil featuring Napalm Fatale”.
We have legal advocacy groups and work closely with the ACLU
Youth and Their Parents
All of the above-stated goals apply to youth, but parents play a greater role in their success:
Parents learn they are responsible for their own learning
Parents learn how to affirm and validate their children
Including respect for desired names and pronouns
Parents learn suicide prevention and distress tolerance skills
For both themselves and all their children
Parents learn the correct language, and let their children choose what applies to them
“Transgender” vs. “transsexual” vs. “intersex” vs. “transvestite” vs. “cross-dresser” vs. “genderqueer” vs. “drag queen” vs. etc.
“Gender identity” vs. “sexual orientation”
“Trans” vs. “cis”
“Transwoman” vs. “transman”
E.g., a man who becomes a woman is a “transgender woman”, not a “transgender man”!
Why the “T” is included in “LGBT”
Parents learn how to work with schools to attenuate bullying
Parents learn about discrimination and systemic oppression. They must be “woken up”
If parents are spiritual and or religious, find a faith community that proves supportive
Parents must learn and model joy
Parents understand that gender-related care for their family will not cure all their ills
Again, we all still have death and taxes
Parents know their children’s legal rights in their jurisdiction
Parents understand the array of biomedical interventions available
And the time dependencies of these interventions with respect to the onset of puberty
Parents need to understand that the body of research regarding transgender youth is slim
Parents need to understand that an active effort within the research community regarding transgender youth is identifying the difference between “is it a phase?” and “is it clinical gender dysphoria?”
As Long as I Can Remember
For perspective: As soon as I realized there was a difference between boys and girls, I wanted to be a girl. Maybe two or three years old?
The feeling didn’t stop with puberty. Didn’t stop when I registered for Selective Service. Didn’t ever stop.
Where Seeing More than One Therapists is Appropriate
Having a client see more than one therapist at the same time is controversial, but I do it. Here is why it is practical:
Therapists who specialize in transgender issues are scarce and generally clustered around major cities. Therefore, it is totally reasonable for a client to see a “regular” therapist on say a weekly basis and see a specialist on a monthly (or longer) basis. Seeing a specialist at least occasionally is vital, as they have access to the latest clinical practice information and are one of the key gatekeepers for obtaining biomedical interventions such as hormone replacement therapy.
The “regular” therapist I referred to in the above paragraph can work on matters like distress tolerance, suicide prevention, family dynamics, etc.
Suicide Prevention and Distress Tolerance
The suicide rate is extremely high in the transgender population. (I don’t know how this breaks out between youth and adults—a later edition of this text will provide those details if they exist). Therefore, it is imperative that transgender youth, their parents, and transgender adults learn suicide prevention skills. “Skills” is the correct word here; we are talking about a set of learnable behaviors that save lives.
Distress tolerance skills are also vital; saying that living transgender proves distressing is an understatement! I’ve found Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) the best approach for myself and would recommend it to anybody. DBT is all about skills development.
Family therapy proves vital as well, as poor family dynamics and abuse (if it is present) will not help anybody.
Also, parents may carry undue guilt that their child expresses gender identity issues—as if they were bad parents or something. While my research shows a possible heritable element of gender dysphoria, the same research supports a hypothesis of biological origin of the condition.
The murder rate among transgender individuals is high, especially for transgender women of color. A therapist and a transgender child’s parents must ensure the client knows how to protect themselves.
I carry a hunting knife in my purse and know how to disable an attacker by hand.
Affirmation and Validation
Through various channels (social, parental, religious, etc.), transgender children can get the message that their feelings are either “not real” or “bad”. This needs to be countered by therapists, and parents must be taught by therapists how to counter these ideas as well.
What a Therapist Should Watch For
While it is perfectly possible for a client to be both schizophrenic and transgender, the schizophrenia must be treated first, as it might be a source of gender confusion. For example, and forgive my shallow understanding of schizophrenia, a schizophrenic individual might have one or more feminine-identified “insides” and one or more masculine-identified “insides”.
Additionally, there are some homosexuals who are so homophobic that they would rather change their sex than accept their sexual orientation. Here the problem is acceptance, not gender dysphoria, and gender transition is not a clinically appropriate treatment. I can see this scenario playing out in a teenager raised in a fundamentalist environment. Interestingly, Iran forces homosexual men to become woman, as it is okay with transsexuality but not homosexuality. This probably does a lot of damage to these individuals’ psyches.
All adolescents struggle with sexuality, but I think it is worse for transgender individuals. Therapists must be understanding of this.
One of the most confusing issues I faced in my youth was that for me as a teenager, I became sexually aroused when I wore women’s clothing. So, I couldn’t tell if I was expressing a fetish or something more fundamental to my core identity. Now that I am an adult and wear women’s clothing full time, this arousal no longer happens. In other words, my desired to cross gender lines cannot be explained by fetish alone.
A minor psychological theory that some practitioners still refer to, though it has largely been discredited, is “auto-gynephilia”. This model defines men who express transgender thinking as simply being sexually attracted to the idea of themselves as a woman (and female)—basically a “meta-fetish”. The idea has been used by hostile parents in court cases to prevent children from receiving appropriate transgender care. The major proponent of this idea—I forget who—is still alive and working for a major research hospital (I think; I’ll check on this detail later and update this document accordingly).
The problem is not with auto-gynophilic sexual fantasies, which I’ll admit even I have from time to time, but with the idea that that model alone fully explains male-to-female transgenderism. To put it in personal terms, when sexual arousal and activity is the farthest thing from my mind, I still want to be called “Emily” and “she”, and I still want to interact socially as a woman.
Feminism and Young Adults
Most feminists support us, but there is a small and vocal subset that severely opposes transgender individuals and their demand for rights. A young woman thinking of transitioning to manhood can easily be dissuaded by these ideas. This is okay if the individual decides so; but most members of this small, vocal subset of feminism are bullies and need to be taken through that lens. (We call them TERFs, for “trans-exclusive radical feminists”). TERFs often refer to female-to-male transitioning as “testosterone poisoning”, among other things. I won’t even begin to tell you what they say about women like me, because it is out of scope for this document.
A good therapist needs to be aware of TERF thinking and influence, especially when working with young adults attending a university.
I’ll Add More Later…
I’m sure I’ll think of more to add to this document as time passes.
A well-known tension exists between evolutionary psychology theorists and feminist theorists. Feminists reasonably complain that evolutionary psychologists are simply reinforcing sexist paradigms—particularly the sexism that still pervades scientific inquiry—while evolutionary psychologists reasonably argue that their findings simply derive from examining our species’ mental adaptations necessary to ensure survival.
I’m not here to argue about which viewpoint is right. Truth probably lies in both modes of inquiry.
However, I’ve been thinking about “toxic masculinity”, a concept that wouldn’t exist without the feminists having identified it.
Let’s assume that “toxic masculinity” exists as the feminists define it.
Let’s also assume that toxic masculinity is a phenomenon we want to rid society of, that it is a bad thing.
Is it enough to simply think our way out of this mess? My experience suggests no. We need to examine the deep psychological pull of toxic masculinity, particularly in woman’s lives. (I’m assuming here without rigor that women are complacent in its social realization—part of the problem).
I propose that evolutionary psychology might explain some of this.
Assume that the patriarchy has dominated human relationships and individual humans’ self-realization since at least the time we settled down to start growing our food (about 10k years ago). Assume further that toxic masculinity evolved in men’s psyche as a way to maneuver within this patriarchy—that men who exhibited toxic masculinity prospered while men who didn’t exhibit it did not. Then it follows that natural selection favored the men who carried toxic behavior.
Women relied on men’s successes, and therefore it is possible that women who found toxic masculinity initially attractive (in terms of sexual/emotional arousal) would have more success finding a mate. Over millennia, natural selection might have favored this behavior.
Thus we may have a deep attraction to toxic masculinity written deep into our DNA.
Okay, so how does this help? If this hypothesis holds water, we know what we are up against and can adjust our cognitive reframing work and cultural change efforts accordingly.
But I’m not a bit weak-minded and the strategy described below suggested potential when I tested it on myself. (That makes this an n=1 study—hardly scientific—but exploratory research has to start somewhere!).
Background: I carry a long and well-documented case of bipolar disorder, and have become skilled at handling the “lows”. However, the manic “highs” still catch me by surprise. They come fast and full-blown, and I’ve often (until recently) acted recklessly when they occur. The resulting social damage proves costly.
Moreover, a full-blown mania often brings with it some degree of psychosis; realize of course that psychosis lies on a spectrum, it is not binary (sane vs. insane). For my part, I become grandiose and make decisions based on information filtered through that grandiosity, i.e., at some level disconnected from reality.
Now this state is basically a “drug high”, in that it is a chemical situation in my brain causing the mania. As a youth I tried cocaine and the feeling compares.
The psychiatric medicine I take controls the worst of the disease, especially the “lows”, but fails to inoculate me completely against mania. So I still have to learn how to effectively handle these “drug highs” as I don’t expect them to ever go away completely.
It becomes a management game:
So I got to thinking: “Why not intentionally induce manic psychosis in a safe, controlled environment so I learn how to pilot the condition?”. In doing so I’ll develop skill at managing unexpected manic episodes when I experience them in the real world–I’ll strengthen my mental power over them.
This is kind of like becoming well-practiced at meditation when you are relaxed, so that the skill proves easily accessible during an anxiety attack. (For me, the manic episodes impact me far more than anxiety, which also affects me; I’m just trying to draw a useful analogy here. In other words, I’ve ruled out meditation and mindfulness as short-term solutions to my mania challenge, though I’m certainly developing these tools for my long-term repertoire).
So I took a hit of LSD to induce grandiosity, euphoria, and delusional thinking; and then worked diligently and intently through the resulting altered state to learn how to handle the condition effectively, to learn how to take control.
The strategy worked! My recent subsequent manic episode came on quickly and intense, but I was able to recognize the state immediately and take appropriate countermeasures before making any reckless decisions.
This story is currently under review and revision to ensure use of respectful terminology and clear statement of goals:
“Become a world-class lover. Own yourself. Own your power.” – Emily Marie Williams
My research concerning quality sexual technique leads me interesting places, most of which I will not reveal.
On this website, I’ve previously discussed my agenda to strengthen and expand women’s sexual skill—to serve as a means for gaining social power—as a means of advancing feminism. (See my article “power and sexual technique”  for an explanation of this position).
Furthermore, while the current shortfall in the quality of intimate relationships greatly exceeds the realm of sexuality (i.e., most problems emit from abuse, poor mental health, unreasonable expectations, weak communication, and selfishness), it wouldn’t hurt if couples experienced better sexual play while they addressed these other matters.
To put my money where my mouth is, I’ve spent the last several months extending my sexual knowledge and technique. Until now most of that information has come from books, which proves a limited means of learning tactile skills. Certainly books provide information the brain needs to practice quality sex—as the brain is the most important sex organ—but at some point one needs to get hands-on training from an expert.
This article illustrates my recruitment of expert training, detailing a method readers can apply in their own lives:
I have a friend who works as the matron of a Mexican brothel. Not sure whether prostitution is legal in the rough-and-tumble northern border region of Mexico, or if it is merely tolerated. Nonetheless, I was staying at her house while enjoying the Baja sunshine and looking for a property to rent or buy.
(ASIDE: If you ever run into trouble anywhere in Mexico, the most well-connected person in town—i.e., the one that can help you the most—is the matron of the town’s brothel).
She introduced me to her friend who worked for many years as an international porn star, and who, after aging out of that profession, now turns tricks for a living. We carried on pleasant conversation for several hours.
I told her about my agenda (described above) for improving the lives of American women through improving their sex lives. I told her about my study of sexual technique.
Intrigued by the idea, she offered me a private lesson so that I can take new skills home with me to teach others.
I of course paid her the standard rate for her time, plus $50 to my friend for letting us use her bed.
But she did not merely fuck me.
Instead she spent three hours instructing me in great detail. I think it was fun for her—she appeared to enjoy sharing her professional knowledge—it was not just another trick with another client. (Besides, I’m a pleasant person to be around).
She taught me positions, tongue work, the best time to put the condom on, etc. We spent a lot of time on oral sex, with her demonstrating the best method on my hardware and coaching me as I returned the favor on her hardware.
Taking a cue from Tantric tradition, she taught me how to align my partner’s Chakras [see Reference #2] to prepare them for sexual pleasure. She taught me massage techniques.
She instructed me regarding etiquette.
As a whore, she taught me from a whore’s perspective: How to encourage shy men to touch, how to communicate with men, how to negotiate price with them. She gave examples of what some men like and what others don’t, and how to find out. The examples were pretty stark, reminding me clearly of her professional activity. For example she would tell me the differences between yesterday’s client and her scheduled client for tomorrow. She instructed me on how to deal with men’s differing erection stiffness abilities.
In other words, she taught me all the skills I need to become a successful whore.
Afterward, we spent the rest of the day together chatting like friends. I checked in on her comfort level with me several times, and I think her frequent answer of “si” was genuine. Further evidence for this came when she asked if she could share a bed with me that night—not for sex—not even for cuddling—just for sleeping. I of course did not touch her during the night, as we made no agreement permitting it, and she slept soundly to the best of my knowledge.
I’m just happy that, in addition to the skills I learned, that a woman who might otherwise be cynical about her clients genuinely enjoyed spending the day and night with me.
I don’t believe in astrology, but I do firmly believe in the Resurrection. As far as scientific evidence goes, both prove equally absurd. WTF? Why accept even one of them? Why not both? I have no good answer for this!
I could say that “events” in my life confirm my Christian experience, but that might be pattern recognition bias—seeing confirmation of my faith in patterns that my brain constructs out of non-patterned signal (because brains do that ).
Similarly, because I’ve never bothered to look for confirmation of astrological interpretations of my life, I’ve never “found” them in my life narrative. Again, pattern recognition bias.
Perhaps—and I am so completely unfamiliar with astrology to know for sure—astrology is about finding comfort in the universe’s design—that there is a “plan”. Is there anything in astrology that is meant to be uncomfortable? I don’t know!
The Christian experience is not comfortable; at least I don’t seek it out for comfort with regard to my place the universe. If God asks me to, I’ll perform God’s work in Hell.
Maybe its about love: I do not perceive that the universe as expressed as stars, planets, mass, and energy “loves” me. But I need to feel love and the Christian narrative offers that. The Resurrection itself is a love story.
Perhaps I created God in my image—an image of a human who needs love. And the need for love comes from evolutionary psychology; human-to-human attachment driving tribal cooperation, driving survival, driving gene propagation. The selfish gene .
“What is truth?” retorted the Pilate .
I’m going to continue trusting God and continue trusting my faith in God, even without these questions answered. And the God I believe in wants us to wrestle with these matters; God gave us brains and expects us to use them critically.
God likes scientists: “Doubting” Thomas just wanted evidence. He was not rejected for asking for it.
“Faith” and “belief” mean different things. I see “belief” as getting hung up on the facts—where science and logic matter to defining reality. “Belief” has its place: For example I believe in “F=m*a” at appropriate velocities and definitely believe in God’s existence and love.
But I do not emphasize belief in my spiritual practice, which is where “faith” comes in. “Faith”, in my book, is trusting the divine deep within my soul without needing to understand all the particulars about where things are headed.
Sometimes faith doesn’t even require much commitment to reality. I tell a story in my article “an allegory of affection from a Hindu goddess” about a visitation by Durga that I experienced during a dream. I do not worry about whether this visit really happened or not; the experience enriched my faith in the Christian god while enhancing my understanding of Hinduism. I’m not going to argue about what is “real” in this situation. Rather, I’ll just accept the personal growth that came of it.
Declaring I’m a “big thinker” understates it. I channel more creativity than a single human can ever bring to fruition, so I’m now going to simply start logging ideas on a somewhat weekly to monthly basis in case others want to take them on, or collaborate with me.
So, here are this week’s big ideas, many of which I received while driving between Carmel and San Simeon on California Highway 1:
For two weeks I’ve been developing a blog post in my head about using Blockchain as a tool for censorship-resistant microblogging. The article will discuss a particular platform’s solution, not survey all possible options (which I’ll do later). It will take the form of a “how to” post.
Technology that Responds to Desertification
Climate change will likely promote heavy desertification. We have two angles to take regarding technological response:
First, we can develop technology that resists the desertification process itself. Think infrastructure and environmental engineering by nation-states. However, given that I do not expect nation-states to be able to respond functionally to rapid desertification, I offer the following alternative:
Second, develop high technology for single family, tribe, and/or homestead use. I’m thinking composting systems that capture water as it is off-gassed. I’m thinking distilling water from urine. Micro-desalination for folks living right against the coast. Massively effective composting reactions from food waste. Capturing and distilling sweat. Capture water from fuel cell use (if I remember correctly how fuel cells work).
That latter social layout risks invoking the “tragedy of the commons” with regard to well water. So we need water-efficient farming technology such as hydroponics and good social compacts.
I once claimed squatter’s rights (technically “adverse possession”) to a ten-acre piece of abandoned land. Applied data science to find the ideal property.
About to start the process again, and refine the method.
I’ll give special consideration to developing a strategy that supports the needs of RV boondockers.
However, I am unhappy with the use of crisp computation by this tool and would rather replace it with fuzzy reasoning, to reflect differences in expert opinion about what makes what body shape what. Then users will receive more informative results. For example, instead of reporting that a user’s measurements indicate a strictly “rectangular” body shape, the fuzzy reasoning-based method could declare that the same use is 90% “rectangular” and 10% “hourglass”.
Blockchain matters. Learn it inside and out. Learn about the “internet of money”. Learn about “discretized valuation”. Program it. “Get” it.
Expand My Social Media Footprint
People generally like what I have to say online, and I believe it provides social value. So therefore I want to expand my reach. This is not so much for my “glory” as it is to promote diverse voices in media. My agenda is to “transmit” what is given to me.
So I will apply my full data scientist brain to this task and see what happens! Perhaps it starts with measurement?
Extract More Precise Signal from the Media Firehose
My friend Epochryphal challenged me to think of improved ways to capture, sort, and process online content as it emerges. I started them off by recommending an RSS reader but we agreed the problem requires a better solution. My next move involves checking out Feedly.
Practice Navigating Without a Smart Phone
I ran into a situation where I needed a road atlas due to lack of wireless service, but didn’t have one. Not good! Such an atlas might also prove important if one is running from the law and cannot have their cellular phone turned on (to avoid tracking).
I don’t own a clitoris and I don’t own a g-spot. But I posit that I “hit” them orgasmically using my mind.
The thing is, (I think) all humans hold the genetic code for this anatomy, regardless of phenotype. We all therefore likely possess the neural mappings “connected” to the activation of these nerves. Taking estrogen and suppressing my testosterone probably strengthens these neural pathways.
So take your brain and focus your next orgasm where you want it.
“Z-Spot” (Update 10 August 2018)
I wrote this post based solely on my own psychosexual experience, and therefore was pleased when my genderqueer friend Epochryphal read the article and stated that the idea also resonated with them. Sometime prior to our conversation they coined the term “z-spot” to describe the concept.
Often I lose sight of my longterm goal (to thrive) to make room in my psyche for my short term survival goals related to preventing self harm. Realized this morning that this behavior only “positively” feedbacks into the distress itself—that giving a measured quantity of attention toward thriving will better dampen the distress in the long run. (We call this dampening “negative” feedback in control engineering—the terms don’t sound intuitive: In engineering, “negative” feedback is the good kind of feedback when you want to keep something stable ! See the bottom of this post for pictorial examples of the two types of feedback).
So on that note, here are two ways I’m directing attention toward thriving:
Mindfulness proves a well-known strategy for improving mental health . However, the only mindfulness activity that has ever worked for me so far is live performance, whether music or giving a speech. So to increase my mindfulness time, I plan to increase my stage time.
Moreover, I plan to add a mindfulness component to my instrumental practice time. (This has never worked in the past—I become too distracted, but I’m confident I can substantially improve the skill this time). So I’m going back to basics: Fingering exercises on my sitar and basic stick technique on my new drum set. I’m relatively new to both instruments so think that the activity of building mindfulness skill as part of building my instrumental skills will complement each other well.
Inventory of successes: I’ve always been one to count my blessings, but now I’m adding a weekly inventory of each week’s successes. Writing them down. Makes me feel great. Directs my emotions toward states that permit delivery of energy toward thriving!
An Example of Each Type of Feedback Loop
Just extra credit for ambitious readers…
This image comes from . The top part shows how negative feedback keeps a basic ecological system stable. Similar negative feedback loops regulate serotonin production by the brain , a key process in stabilization of mental health.
The second part shows how positive feedback causes both system variables, success and motivation, to feed each other’s growth. A mental health example: Consider a system containing only the two variables “mania” and “lack of sleep”. In a person with bipolar disorder, one will feed expansion of the other. This effect is known as “snowballing” by systems scientists; as a snowball rolls down a hill it gets larger, and as it gets larger, its capacity for adding snow increases so it gets larger still.
The following is a letter to a friend, who asked me about using DNA sequencing to find an explanation for her adopted, adolescent son’s violent behavior:
I’ve thought much about violence from adoptees, as a woman I deeply love experiences the same behavior from her daughter(s). Interestingly, she adopted her daughters from a Russian orphanage—I know you also adopted from Russia. This similarity might matter as I’ll describe later.
Moreover, I’ve given much thought to household violence in general, having lived with an extremely abusive spouse for over a decade. I therefore have much to say on matters such as codependence, forgiveness, and unconditional love.
Finally, I carry a long and well-documented history of mental illness (bipolar disorder). For the most part I manage it well with medication and psychotherapy, but occasionally I require psychiatric hospitalization. Many of the articles on this blog document my experience with the disease—a narrative I’m constructing for researchers. My point is, I know quite a bit about different psychological treatment modalities and am going to recommend one in particular for your son, and another for you (below).
Your interest in your son’s genome as explanation is reasonable, and I’ve scoped out some options below that you can choose among (and get back to me for further guidance). However, I think the etiology of the violence is likely psychological or psychiatric. I’ll justify this statement shortly.
So I want to give you my complete thoughts on the matter, not just on mere genomics. Here is what I plan to discuss:
Psychology and psychiatry
PTSD and child abuse/neglect
Brain anatomy (briefly)
Identifying genes associated with violence
I’ll provide you with a list to have checked
Identifying nucleotide variants associated with violence
Looking at epigenetics and violence
How to legally analyze the data?
Alright, straight into it:
Psychology and Psychiatry
I hypothesize that violent adoptees underwent significant trauma and neglect in early childhood. I base the idea that such trauma may prompt violent behavior later on attachment theory (especially the learning—or lack of learning—of emotion regulation skills from a primary caregiver) ; and from witnessing my ex-wife’s violence, which emitted from untreated post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) caused by childhood abuse.
This I believe is the most likely explanation for your son’s behavior.
I also suspect that Russian orphanages aren’t usually healthy environments to start life in, to put it mildly.
If my theory is correct, your son needs to learn emotion regulation. Unfortunately, most therapy modalities I’ve seen only “process” feelings, but don’t treat management of intense feelings as a “skill” that can be learned and mastered. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) , by contrast, does exactly that (and more)! Initial research suggests DBT may prove appropriate to reducing PTSD symptoms . You can search for a local DBT therapist or group at . Groups exist for teenagers, and I’m sure for younger children as well.
I personally attended a DBT group for adults twice in my life. Found it extremely beneficial for attenuating suicidal ideation. Therefore I highly recommend this treatment method for anything regarding emotion dysregulation.
Medication will only take you so far. But medication is a vital component.
Remember its okay to call 911 if you need to, both for violence and potential self-harm.
The other psychological issue to consider regards yourself: Codependence.
The Wikipedia article on codependency  sums it up well: “Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.” (emphasis mine). Essentially codependents become “addicted” to the relationship dynamic (whether they like the dynamic or not) and the “helping” role they play. Like all addicts they sacrifice themselves for the addiction. In mental health situations like yours where there is an “identified patient”, the likelihood of you developing clinical codependency traits proves high.
Take care of yourself. See a counselor. Get some rest. Have some fun. Attend a codependency treatment group or a codependency support group. (I’ve attended a codependency treatment group offered by my HMO. It proved extremely helpful).
If you haven’t yet, have a neuropsychologist run a battery of test on your son. Typical tests (as in the ones I’ve taken) include:
An intelligence scale appropriate for minors
Bender Gestalt Test of Visual-Motor Integration
Wechsler Memory Scale (WMS-III)
Intermediate Visual and Auditory Continuous Performance Test (IVA-CPT)
A self-assessment inventory appropriate for minors
A self-rating scale appropriate for minors
Sentence Completion Test (SCT)
Rorschach Inkblot Technique
These tests quantify many mental health conditions, such as ADHD and antisocial behavior. The MMPI-2 is the most important one as it measures traits that may help defend your son if his behavior lands him in legal trouble (e.g., the “Antisocial Behavior” and “Disconstraint” scales of the MMPI-2). Also its finding might give you a “name” or two for your son’s specific conditions.
For an example of how I measured my own level of antisocial behavior and disconstraint, similar to how your son would be measured, see .
I don’t know much about this subject, but have a neurologist meet with your son. If they detect an anomaly in an MRI of the brain you will gain a lot of insight, and (again) gain more data to protect your son if his behavior causes legal issues. A great article discussing adolescent violence and neuroimaging can be found at , which includes the following graphic:
Notice that emotion dysregulation comes up again in this graphic. If a brain anatomic explanation is found, DBT still may be indicated. Cognitive control and ability to learn will be measured by the neuropsychologist discussed above and may correlate to MRI results.
To benefit from DNA sequencing, you need to know what to look for. Unfortunately, I expect a gene panel for “psychiatric violence” does not exist. So I designed a gene list for such a panel to provide a basis for further work. The method and resulting gene list are discussed in a separate article on this blog:
So one way of looking at the challenge is to sequence these genes and see what aberrations appear. However, most aberrations will prove benign or related to some completely unrelated issue. So I scoped out the following strategy for identifying the aberrations to look for using ClinVar , a database which we can search by disease. Unlike the gene list analysis, I have not automated the procedure yet (we’ll cross that line together if you decide to proceed with sequencing analysis). However here is a manual outcome, to demonstrate that we can pull the required information together.
We first search for the term “personality disorder”, and retrieve a list of known perturbations correlated with this cluster of diseases:
Clicking on the first variation in the list, we see that it involves an aberration in gene NRXN1. As a verification, we find NRXN1 in the gene list I produced above:
And if you’re curious, here is the aberration shown in context on its chromosome:
Again, if you decide to move forward with sequencing, I’ll automate this data extraction procedure.
So now we face a major decision: Whether to sequence your son’s entire genome or just his genes (a minor subset of the genome). What matters is the proportion of aberrations we find related to diseases involving violence that lay outside genes compared to those that lay within genes. The more of the former, the greater the need to sequence your son’s whole genome to stand a chance of finding anything.
The other thing we need to consider while identifying aberrations to search for is the strength of their known correlation to disease. We might need a cutoff threshold to remove low quality information, assume this measure is even available (I haven’t checked yet–again, right now I’m simply scoping out a strategy).
What this discussion leaves out is “epigenetics”, the science of how the environment can modify gene expression. Research suggests that PTSD causes epigenetic modification of the genome. There are ways to test for such events, and we can scope them out together if you would like. For now I’m going to skip that subject because I don’t know much about it (but can find out as needed).
Looking in the genome for disease markers is a crapshoot. At my last reckoning of the situation, there simply is not enough data recorded to make highly effective correlations for most diseases. However, this situation improves everyday. And, except for the case of epigenetics, your son’s genome is for all intents and purposes static. Therefore if you sequenced him now, and did not find anything, you might find something in a year or two using the same sequencing data.
So your next decision is whether to proceed with sequencing or focus on other ideas such as those suggested above.
If you do decide to proceed, your next move would be to find a genetic counselor to facilitate things. (That gives me legal protection if you use my gene list or aberration list). I’m simply not sure where the FDA stands on using a punk-ass hacker’s gene list to diagnose genetic disease causality outside a research-only environment. Don’t have a clue!
However being the complete anarchist that I am, if you handed me a whole-genome on a disk with the owner’s name removed, I can and will scan for these variants. If I find something I’ll say variant X suggests a remote possibility of condition Y for the genome on the disk, and that only a qualified medical doctor can confirm! It will be like an online MMPI-2 that tells you what you want to know but refers you to a licensed neuropsychologist for a legally defendable evaluation.
So again, think about this and get back to me if you want to proceed further down this rabbit hole.
The most import thing to do is commit, and constantly recommit, to love. I state the verb form of the word to emphasize that this involves a decision, a crucial choice. And let me repeat, you must continually make this choice again and again to achieve success at it.
One never knows when to turn the other cheek  and when to refuse to accept further abuse. This probably is a moving target that varies day by day. What I can say is that even when you accept such abuse in the short run, ALWAYS resist in the long game. This gives you an endgame—a goal of a better world for you and your son. It helps keep your head up. Again, play the long game.
I realized a few months ago that parents who adopt children that behave violently stand among the few who actually understand what love is. They walk among the best of us. What grieves me is how much their best get buried everyday by the stress of violence in the household.
For all the strategies I enumerated above, please hold reasonable expectations. Go for “good” outcomes not “perfect” ones. To demonstrate, I practice this concept with regard to my own mental health: Never managed to “cure” my bipolar disorder, just consider low daily mood-variance success.
Take care of yourself. Please heed my warning about codependency. It will not help your son if you cease to keep yourself together.
Remember that specific mental illnesses might have once held an evolutionary advantage in earlier times, and they therefore are only “illnesses” in the context of post-hunter/gatherer society. Knowing this doesn’t make things better, but it at least provides some comfort to me. For example, a popular idea is that ADHD holds an advantage during the hunt .
I also argue that mental illnesses, particularly those that involve occasional psychosis, exist for spiritual reasons as well. (This is not to suggest that spiritual experiences, even those due to psychosis, are not genuine). Take comfort in that possibility.
What I’m saying between the lines in these last two paragraphs is that one can learn to take advantage of their mental illness if they can attenuate its liabilities. Again, to demonstrate, my bipolar disorder offers an endless wellspring of creativity. So I fully tap that creativity at work and everywhere else.
Finally, let me talk about “radical forgiveness”, a concept I’m developing for dealing with abuse, heartbreak, etc. Essentially it’s a doctrine indicating how to practice forgiveness as a “skill” and a “discipline”, rather than treating forgiveness as some ethereal idea. Try it! This idea is best explained in my video on the topic. Please forgive the sound quality (I will re-record it soon):
Remember that at the end of the day, your son is responsible for his actions. He can learn non-violence if he works at it (e.g., through a program such as DBT). It may require a parallel spiritual awakening.
Hold him accountable. Teach character. Set an example through your own character and through taking responsibility for your mistakes.
To demonstrate these principles in action: I’ve harmed several people whom I love due to things I’ve said while experiencing bipolar mania. I don’t blame the disease. I blame myself and commit to work on preventing the disease from motivating such action. This seemingly subtle difference drives my character.
So teach him accountability. And remember that in the grand scheme of the universe we are all equal in the eyes of God—and we all need substantial work!
I recently developed a method for specifying a comprehensive gene list for investigating genes related to psychiatric violence, which I describe below. First though, here’s a cool picture from the analysis:
I started by extracting a list of diseases involving violence from , removing epilepsy, dementia, mental retardation (is there a better word for this?), and Alzheimer’s disease. Also removed sexual sadism from the list as one might debate whether or not this qualifies as “disease”. I then matched those diseases by name–more accurately by components within each name–to diseases contained in DisGeNET  to determine genes associated with those diseases. Next, I built a network graph of the genes where an edge between two genes indicates one or more diseases in common. A tractable subset of this graph is pictured above for demonstration. Finally, I computed the size of the ego graph for each gene (node) and ranked them, as listed below. Greater ego network size indicates greater probable biological importance vis-a-vis psychiatric diseases having violence as a symptom.
I’ve discovered a complete willingness to manipulate men into one-night stands purely to stroke my ego. (The trick is to let men feel like their own ego is in charge).
However, I experience complete moral repulsion at the idea of treating women this way.
I think my reason comes from evolutionary psychology: Women may become pregnant and therefore require support during their “down time”, the period when hunting and gathering would be difficult due to carrying a child—consequently they learned to highly value relationship stability across an evolutionary timeframe.
However, men can deliver sperm without such risk to their livelihood. Therefore they experienced less evolutionary pressure to value relationships than women. Given that I don’t want to hurt anyone, I provide far more ongoing commitment to my romantic relationships with women than men, due to the difference in evolutionary psychology between the sexes illuminated above.
Men do love, and greatly. I certainly did when I identified as one.
Moreover, I’ve realized that the manner in which I love IS very masculine (culturally), and that that is extremely unlikely to change. For example, I carry a strong “hero instinct”–want to solve problems for my beloved. I delight in the role of “pursuer”: Will combine culturally masculine flirtation technique to make my intention clear no matter how impeccably feminine I appear. I would feel shame if I couldn’t economically provide for a partner, despite the fact that times have supposedly evolved beyond that. Most significantly, I want to provide a constant beacon of (inner) strength.
Certainly, I have love-traits we could label as culturally feminine (commitment to radical kindness and collaboration). But the sum total of how I love leans strongly masculine.
And that is where things get interesting. Evokes my moral crisis:
I am a complete predator when I pursue women. Calculating. Shrewd. Persistent. Experimental. Adaptive. Creative. Subtle. Patient.
My motives prove decent but never pure. I operate by gaining the trust of women through my innate femininity (even did so back when I was “Dan”), and then later strike at opportune moment. My metaphor for this activity is “moving through the back door” when most suiters only show the wit to try the front. I suppose the redeeming feature of this maneuver is that the trust I establish is 100% genuine—as my intent always is to create a successful long term relationship (which relies firmly on trust).
So I demonstrate capacity for commitment during my pursuit. I only act this way when I’m prepared to deliver.
The other redeeming feature in this approach is that I only practice it when I’m completely besotted. Therefore the woman involved holds all the power!
The moral crisis lies in the fact that I do not like the idea of being a “predator”. But that is the correct word, so I’ve accepted it. More to the point, I’ve accepted the duality of being simultaneously predatory and noble in my pursuit, of delivering both genuine trust and absolute danger.
In my last post, “power and sexual technique”, I urged women to gain leverage in their romantic relationships by increasing their skill in bed. More importantly, I developed this idea as a strategy transgender women may employ to decrease their overall marginalization—to help close the power differential that exists when straight men sexualize us for our unique bodies.
So far so good. But as a charismatic person (and natural propagandist) I know that the real establishment of a relationship’s or sexual encounter’s power distribution occurs at the encounter’s initiation—at the point of seduction—not in bed. One skilled at seduction, even if they lean submissive within the overall dynamic, owns the situation.
I frankly enjoy seducing my way into an encounter, thereby controlling the situation initially, and then joyfully sharing this power as the night unfolds. I might even completely surrender this power depending on the lover.
So a skilled seductress wields a mainline to authority and control.
I therefore, in a manner similar to my last post, encourage women and particularly transgender women to learn the art of seduction. My intent is not manipulation, but enhancement of mutual joy and an attenuation of the patriarchy’s power. I want us to diminish our marginalization by grabbing men by their psychosexual balls.
I realize that now I need to set an example. Problem is, I don’t particular think I’m good at seduction. To remedy that I’m committing to a thorough study of the art, starting with Robert Greene’s classic “The Art of Seduction”:
Need some inspiration? I started with a video featuring the fabulous Dita Von Teese where she irresistibly (yes, I’m bisexual) explains basic technique and attitude (below). However, I consider her words just the tip of the iceberg…
…I want the ability to start wars with my seduction (a la Troy), not merely get a date! I want to force Odysseus to break the ropes binding him.
My firm desire (pun intended) is that all women, particularly transgender women, take complete ownership over their presence and their bodies. Presence emits power. Ownership delivers power. Here I refer to “power” in a feminine network sense, enabling women full constructive influence within the relationships they build and expand. These relationships may include friendships, business connections, or romantic partnerships.
In the case of romantic connections, whether short or longterm, sexual competency wins constructive leverage. I therefore encourage all women, and again, particularly transgender women, to study sexual technique. To set an example, I’ve embarked on the reading list given below.
Why do I focus on transgender women in particular? Because we often regard ourselves as “inferior” women and I wish that to cease immediately. Furthermore, we are often sexualized for being transgender rather than treated like human partners. That probably won’t cease but can be manipulated. My opinion is that developing skill in bed resists the former mindset, and shifts control toward transwomen in the latter situation.
Regarding the latter: Instead of thinking of myself as objectified for being trans, I think of myself as having cornered a market. This economic viewpoint empowers. I can set my base price (expectation of a partner) based on scarcity. I can then increase my price (expectation of a partner) by enhancing my sexual technique.
Become a world-class lover. Own yourself. Own your power.
My reading list:
Here is the most famous one, but you should know that sexual technique is only a small part of it. Wikipedia explains this well:
Contrary to western popular perception, the Kama Sutra is not exclusively a sex manual; it presents itself as a guide to a virtuous and gracious living that discusses the nature of love, family life, and other aspects pertaining to pleasure-oriented faculties of human life.
Finally, we must learn to seduce, a skill separate from competency in bed: