lace punk, satin punk, petticoat punk, oh my!

This article was first published on the fashion blog Mad Hot and Artsy on 20 November 2018. Special thanks to them for featuring my content!

To satirize my proud (and adopted) feminine modality, I developed a personal clothing style I call “lace punk”, “satin punk”, and/or “petticoat punk”. It carries steampunk, burlesque, and pin-up influences; and emphasizes poise, class, and elegance. In other words, I give the appearance of “high class”. This combination kills when combined with sound posture and a confident stride—my satire has since evolved into a robust display of raw power.

Key elements involve millinery, corsetry, lace or satin gloves, heels, and frequent appearance in gowns.

The “punk” in all this is me: Accomplished hacker. Cyberpunk. Skilled guitar shredder. Free-thinking anarchist. These outfits tweak guys’ expectations when I talk engineering circles around them—“geek chic” never celebrated femininity quite like this.

I perform under the stage name “Napalm Fatale”. Have released two albums freely available at https://napalmfatale.bandcamp.com. Wrote an important article called “This is Transgender Music” describing this work and my musical goals.

I founded the company Whole-Systems Enterprises, Inc. to pay the bills. Am extremely interested in applying artificial intelligence to the fashion industry.

how to sit with ladylike poise, class, and elegance

Everybody knows I live an absolutely prim and proper life. For that reason I insist on spreading my copious knowledge to quality ladies everywhere! Here I demonstrate the “Duchess Slant” and the “Cambridge Cross”:

The Duchess Slant and the Cambridge Cross, attributed to Kate Middleton and Diana Spencer respectively, prevent your knickers from showing while seated, particularly in front of a camera [1]. We wouldn’t want the press to snap a photograph of the royal panties now would we?

Duchess Slant

English royals prove well practiced [2]:

Legs join at the knees and ankles (not crossing), and then tilt to one side. Heels touch the floor. Hands gently rest in the lap, ideally with one folded over the other [3]. Good posture—with back not touching the chair [4]—finalizes the position.

On my side of the Atlantic, I tend add a pronounced head tilt because I think it’s cute; compare to Ms. Middleton’s very slight tilt in the picture above.

Cambridge Cross

Again with the English royals [4]:

As the name implies, ankles gently cross when performing the Cambridge Cross, but otherwise one follows the Duchess Slant technique.

Why Bother?

Besides protecting modesty, these positions also slim and lengthen leg appearance [3].

I learned to sit properly from a modeling school’s video. Unfortunately I do not know which one so I cannot cite it. The video argued that given two equally qualified candidates for a photo shoot, the one that sits better will most likely get the job.

We can expand this idea to cover any job interview, and to cover career growth in general. Carrying oneself with class and poise, including how you sit, takes you places.

What About Crossing at the Knee?

The talking heads of etiquette have not sorted out amongst themselves whether crossing at the knee, while keeping angles together, proves appropriate for a lady of class [3]. But Ms. Spencer performs this position very elegantly:

Word to the wise: Prevent your petticoat from getting between your angles as demonstrated here:

The medical community continually debates the potential health hazards of sitting with legs crosses at the knee, but the jury is out [5].

How Not to Sit

Above I emphasized that one can only properly cross legs at the knee whilst keeping angles together, as demonstrated in the last two pictures. For contrast, this image [6] shows a less elegant form which ladies must avoid:

References

  1. https://www.popsugar.com/celebrity/What-Duchess-Slant-44944499
  2. https://people.com/royals/meghan-markle-duchess-slant-kate-middleton/
  3. https://www.vogue.com.au/culture/features/what-is-the-duchess-slant-and-does-it-really-matter-in-2018/news-story/e205f9b71548f9e9a004e15c6c573ba8
  4. https://brightside.me/wonder-people/12-exclusive-rules-from-the-duchess-of-cambridge-372910/
  5. http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20151013-is-crossing-your-legs-bad-for-you
  6. http://faze.ca/is-sitting-with-your-legs-crossed-bad-for-you/

 

lessons in sexual technique from a professional

This story is currently under review and revision to ensure use of respectful terminology and clear statement of goals:

“Become a world-class lover. Own yourself. Own your power.” – Emily Marie Williams

My research concerning quality sexual technique leads me interesting places, most of which I will not reveal.

On this website, I’ve previously discussed my agenda to strengthen and expand women’s sexual skill—to serve as a means for gaining social power—as a means of advancing feminism. (See my article “power and sexual technique” [1] for an explanation of this position).

Furthermore, while the current shortfall in the quality of intimate relationships greatly exceeds the realm of sexuality (i.e., most problems emit from abuse, poor mental health, unreasonable expectations, weak communication, and selfishness), it wouldn’t hurt if couples experienced better sexual play while they addressed these other matters.

To put my money where my mouth is, I’ve spent the last several months extending my sexual knowledge and technique. Until now most of that information has come from books, which proves a limited means of learning tactile skills. Certainly books provide information the brain needs to practice quality sex—as the brain is the most important sex organ—but at some point one needs to get hands-on training from an expert.

This article illustrates my recruitment of expert training, detailing a method readers can apply in their own lives:

I have a friend who works as the matron of a Mexican brothel. Not sure whether prostitution is legal in the rough-and-tumble northern border region of Mexico, or if it is merely tolerated. Nonetheless, I was staying at her house while enjoying the Baja sunshine and looking for a property to rent or buy.

(ASIDE: If you ever run into trouble anywhere in Mexico, the most well-connected person in town—i.e., the one that can help you the most—is the matron of the town’s brothel).

She introduced me to her friend who worked for many years as an international porn star, and who, after aging out of that profession, now turns tricks for a living. We carried on pleasant conversation for several hours.

I told her about my agenda (described above) for improving the lives of American women through improving their sex lives. I told her about my study of sexual technique.

Intrigued by the idea, she offered me a private lesson so that I can take new skills home with me to teach others.

I of course paid her the standard rate for her time, plus $50 to my friend for letting us use her bed.

But she did not merely fuck me.

Instead she spent three hours instructing me in great detail. I think it was fun for her—she appeared to enjoy sharing her professional knowledge—it was not just another trick with another client. (Besides, I’m a pleasant person to be around).

She taught me positions, tongue work, the best time to put the condom on, etc. We spent a lot of time on oral sex, with her demonstrating the best method on my hardware and coaching me as I returned the favor on her hardware.

Taking a cue from Tantric tradition, she taught me how to align my partner’s Chakras [see Reference #2] to prepare them for sexual pleasure. She taught me massage techniques.

She instructed me regarding etiquette.

As a whore, she taught me from a whore’s perspective: How to encourage shy men to touch, how to communicate with men, how to negotiate price with them. She gave examples of what some men like and what others don’t, and how to find out. The examples were pretty stark, reminding me clearly of her professional activity. For example she would tell me the differences between yesterday’s client and her scheduled client for tomorrow. She instructed me on how to deal with men’s differing erection stiffness abilities.

In other words, she taught me all the skills I need to become a successful whore.

Afterward, we spent the rest of the day together chatting like friends. I checked in on her comfort level with me several times, and I think her frequent answer of “si” was genuine. Further evidence for this came when she asked if she could share a bed with me that night—not for sex—not even for cuddling—just for sleeping. I of course did not touch her during the night, as we made no agreement permitting it, and she slept soundly to the best of my knowledge.

I’m just happy that, in addition to the skills I learned, that a woman who might otherwise be cynical about her clients genuinely enjoyed spending the day and night with me.

See Also

power and the art of seduction

References

  1. power and sexual technique
  2. feminine Chakras

here is my other cheek

An open letter, because direct contact is shut off:

———,

Here is my other cheek:  Threaten me again if you must.

You have my complete forgiveness and infinite compassion.

You and your family will always remain in my prayers.

There are few bridges you can burn that I am unwilling to mend.

You are better than this.

Emily

 

declaring myself an arbiter of proper ladylike behavior

Today I officially declared myself an arbiter of proper ladylike behavior. Issued the announcement via Twitter and Facebook:

Obviously I’m not a perfect lady myself, having immediately mocked the whole concept by using foul language in the second sentence of the announcement tweet.

But this speaks to a fundamental issue: A proper lady will not take herself too seriously! A proper lady knows that “ladylike behavior” is an abstraction and a ruse, yet chooses to employ it anyway. It’s a means to an end, and, for those that wish to participate, one of many pathways an individual may take toward creating a more civil and empowered society (if taken within proper context).

For a transgender lady such as myself, and perhaps for all ladies, ladylike behavior exercises empowerment. It provides an assertion of identity against a world that devalues the feminine. Deep in my transgender femme brain (and I’m only speaking for myself here), becoming a woman is never enough. I need to blossom into a lady. A “proper” lady. This liberates, not oppresses!

The best thing about this process is that I get to define “proper” and define “lady”. I’m creating something that works for me within the current time and place. Certainly I draw on a multitude of others’ etiquette manuals, blog posts, and how-to videos. I tap the Kama Sutra and the Bible for ideas. But the tiara stops with me—I’m the ultimate arbiter of my intent.

However, I plan to actively influence culture with my process and conclusions. Therefore I will add my voice to the growing worldwide call for promotion of civil, polite, feminine, demure (when appropriate), and of course, “ladylike” behavior by (interested) women of all ages. Will never treat my contribution as mandate, as many fabulous women will find no interest in it. This is perfectly fine.

My perspective proves unique in that no one taught me proper ladylike behavior growing up. The result is that I still “man-spread” and chug my beer when I lose mindfulness. As a work in progress recreating my own social construction from the ground up, I assimilate ladylike behavior as a foreigner learning a new language from scratch. This is beautiful and absurd. And it means all assumptions fell off the table.

So in my derivation of ladylike behavior for this social reconstruction I’m learning a lot about it, and intend to share my findings from a position only a transgender lady can offer.

Let’s get started!

Ladylike behavior involves many “musts”. I now issue my first:

“A proper lady never wears flip-flops in public, except at the beach, the pool, or the public shower.”

Proudly developed this “rule” myself; read it in no style guide or etiquette post.

The world is ours, ladies!

Update 27 April 2018

Received the following perspective-enhancing reply to my Facebook announcement:

Just reminds me to follow what I first admonished above:  “A proper lady will not take herself too seriously!”. Also illustrates how “expertise” lies in the eye of the beholder.

women’s style recommendation with artificial intelligence (part #2)

In “women’s style recommendation with artificial intelligence (part #1)”, I introduced my work toward developing artificial intelligence (AI) for fashion and style recommendation. Essentially, its an expert system built on a Bayesian belief network. Now I discuss model validation and next steps in the design iteration process.

I first wanted to see if the trained network correctly returned known recommendations (“wear” or “don’t wear”) based on known clothing selections. This procedure successfully validated the code I wrote. Then I wanted to see if the model can derive new style rules. Experienced partial success on this account; I will outline a possible strategy for improving it.

The rest of this article details the processes summarized in the previous paragraph:

Consider the following trained Bayesian belief network structure:

While calculating the structure, the learning algorithm also calculated the node value probability distributions from the training set:

We first evaluate the model on three fashion rules, asking whether the selected node combination’s values are okay to wear:

  • IF body shape = “apple” AND skirt zipper = “on front” THEN wear = “No!” [1]
  • IF body shape = “apple” AND skirt zipper = “on side” THEN wear = “Yes” [1]
  • IF shoes = “flip-flops” THEN wear = “No!” [2]

(I trained the model upon 126 such rules simultaneously).

Running the inference code:

All looks good. As a control, I added “shoe = pumps” (instead of flip-flops) to the above calculation, and see that these are okay to wear as expected. (However, see the discussion below where I ran into trouble).

So now I start to derive novel new style rules from the model. Suppose we want to simply find out if it is okay to “wear” an “apple” body shape. We expect the model to report “yes”, as it does, assigning a probability to the conclusion:

However, the model cannot handle the addition of a shoe type to the “apple” body shape query above:

The problem is “fixed” when I add a style rule specifically allowing apple-shaped folks to wear pumps, but I am not happy with this. Ideal outcome would be for the inference to conclude this. I’m first going to check the dependencies encoding… which, if that solves the problem, stresses the importance of specifying dependencies well in additional to lateral relationships. For example, I might establish a “human” node, and indicate that each clothing article and feature proves appropriate for humans to wear. Then I’ll declare that each body shape associates with “human = true”.

Nonetheless, the progress reported here is significant!

I’ll keep you posted.

– Emily

References

genderpunk360.com hacked (cracked) for the first time

I don’t like to use the word “hacked” to refer to unwanted system intrusion and unwanted system change, but that is the word everyone understands. See my post “on my frequent use of the word ‘hacker’” for an explanation of my objection. I prefer the term “cracked” instead.

Anyway someone recently cracked my Transgender Resources Page earlier today. Fortunately I discovered the breach promptly and the fix proved easy.

However it reminded me to diligently update my security software, my Linux kernel, and my blog/wiki software immediately following update releases.

The cracker did not apparently object to my content, they merely replaced my wiki’s main page with link spam. However I’m likely to attract those hostile to my material in the future and need to stand vigilant.

If you are curious, here is what my main page looked like immediately following the attack. Note all the link spam:

After the fix, the main page redirects to the “Transgender Resources” page:

After my repair, going to the main wiki page delivers:

Unfortunately, I’m using a current copy of MediaWiki, so a possible security update would not help. However, I discovered that you can “protect” pages:

We’ll see how well this works.

why I didn’t suicide this morning

I’m publishing this strategy because maybe it will help someone else survive in the future:

I feel an intense psychiatric compulsion to suicide every time I experience romantic heartbreak. It’s simply part of my bipolar disorder (which I improve management of everyday). Usually I’m well adept at handling these situations and moving quickly out of them.

However, this morning’s heartbreak incident proved much more difficult to manage; I moved beyond psychiatric compulsion and actually considered offing myself. It’s not that the woman involved is any more awesome than previous situations (she is), it’s just that I feel beaten down from years of serial heartbreak. I always get back up again after getting knocked down. Won’t ever stop doing that. But sometimes one just needs a break.

To survive, I constructed the following two-part argument, built entirely on the deep love I have for this woman. I reframed survival as an expression of this love:

First, and less importantly, she asked me not to contact her in the future, which I intend to honor. I realized that if I took my life she would certainly find out—which be a form of contact—a message somewhere between “I love you” and “fuck you”.

This first reason isn’t particularly rational, but the second reason carries tremendous clarity and precision:

Taking my life in response to her rejection would likely traumatize her, even though my action wouldn’t be her fault by any stretch of the imagination! I could not do this to her. She’d spend a lifetime second-guessing her decisions, and potentially years on unnecessary guilt. She’d perhaps require therapeutic intervention. It would disrupt her life in significant ways. I cannot do this to someone I love, who’s well-being I care so much about. So better for me to endure the pain which will pass in time.

The interesting thing about this last reason is that, while I constructed the argument expressed above based on concern for her well-being, I was even more concerned about her son’s well-being (who doesn’t know me). Here is my logic: If my beloved withdrew into trauma due to a suicide on my part, she would be less able to provide emotionally for her son. This of course would do great damage. Again, I cannot do this to someone I care about, so I’ll endure the pain.

So instead of killing myself I went shopping.

surgical bomb

I’m arming you against me, an expression of tremendous respect.

You know I study communication, marketing, and propaganda. You know I constantly refine seduction technique. You know I wield language like a surgical bomb.

So I’m surrendering to you information that enables you to see right through me should I attempt any of these techniques on you.

I want you to trust every word I ever say to you, even if I package it within a psychological maneuver.

my spinning moral compass

I’ve discovered a complete willingness to manipulate men into one-night stands purely to stroke my ego. (The trick is to let men feel like their own ego is in charge).

However, I experience complete moral repulsion at the idea of treating women this way.

I think my reason comes from evolutionary psychology: Women may become pregnant and therefore require support during their “down time”, the period when hunting and gathering would be difficult due to carrying a child—consequently they learned to highly value relationship stability across an evolutionary timeframe.

However, men can deliver sperm without such risk to their livelihood. Therefore they experienced less evolutionary pressure to value relationships than women. Given that I don’t want to hurt anyone, I provide far more ongoing commitment to my romantic relationships with women than men, due to the difference in evolutionary psychology between the sexes illuminated above.

Men do love, and greatly. I certainly did when I identified as one.

Moreover, I’ve realized that the manner in which I love IS very masculine (culturally), and that that is extremely unlikely to change. For example, I carry a strong “hero instinct”–want to solve problems for my beloved. I delight in the role of “pursuer”: Will combine culturally masculine flirtation technique to make my intention clear no matter how impeccably feminine I appear. I would feel shame if I couldn’t economically provide for a partner, despite the fact that times have supposedly evolved beyond that. Most significantly, I want to provide a constant beacon of (inner) strength.

Certainly, I have love-traits we could label as culturally feminine (commitment to radical kindness and collaboration). But the sum total of how I love leans strongly masculine.

And that is where things get interesting. Evokes my moral crisis:

I am a complete predator when I pursue women. Calculating. Shrewd. Persistent. Experimental. Adaptive. Creative. Subtle. Patient.

My motives prove decent but never pure. I operate by gaining the trust of women through my innate femininity (even did so back when I was “Dan”), and then later strike at opportune moment. My metaphor for this activity is “moving through the back door” when most suiters only show the wit to try the front. I suppose the redeeming feature of this maneuver is that the trust I establish is 100% genuine—as my intent always is to create a successful long term relationship (which relies firmly on trust).

So I demonstrate capacity for commitment during my pursuit. I only act this way when I’m prepared to deliver.

The other redeeming feature in this approach is that I only practice it when I’m completely besotted. Therefore the woman involved holds all the power!

The moral crisis lies in the fact that I do not like the idea of being a “predator”. But that is the correct word, so I’ve accepted it. More to the point, I’ve accepted the duality of being simultaneously predatory and noble in my pursuit, of delivering both genuine trust and absolute danger.

how to validate someone who won’t talk with you

We occasionally find ourselves in the situation where someone we love deeply refuses to communicate with us. In this video I present six strategies for transmitting validation across the divide. (A text version of this content is available here).

I sincerely hope you find this material useful in your own life! Please let me know how it goes, or send comments and questions, by commenting on this post or through Twitter or Facebook. I look forward to hearing from you!

Update 27 February 2017

I’m happy to have touched someone with this video! Received the following comment through Facebook today:

Thank you JoAnna!

See Also

radical forgiveness (video)

on love

the pedagogy of love

the currency of love

power and the art of seduction

In my last post, “power and sexual technique”, I urged women to gain leverage in their romantic relationships by increasing their skill in bed. More importantly, I developed this idea as a strategy transgender women may employ to decrease their overall marginalization—to help close the power differential that exists when straight men sexualize us for our unique bodies.

So far so good. But as a charismatic person (and natural propagandist) I know that the real establishment of a relationship’s or sexual encounter’s power distribution occurs at the encounter’s initiation—at the point of seduction—not in bed. One skilled at seduction, even if they lean submissive within the overall dynamic, owns the situation.

I frankly enjoy seducing my way into an encounter, thereby controlling the situation initially, and then joyfully sharing this power as the night unfolds. I might even completely surrender this power depending on the lover.

So a skilled seductress wields a mainline to authority and control.

I therefore, in a manner similar to my last post, encourage women and particularly transgender women to learn the art of seduction. My intent is not manipulation, but enhancement of mutual joy and an attenuation of the patriarchy’s power. I want us to diminish our marginalization by grabbing men by their psychosexual balls.

I realize that now I need to set an example. Problem is, I don’t particular think I’m good at seduction. To remedy that I’m committing to a thorough study of the art, starting with Robert Greene’s classic “The Art of Seduction”:

Need some inspiration? I started with a video featuring the fabulous Dita Von Teese where she irresistibly (yes, I’m bisexual) explains basic technique and attitude (below). However, I consider her words just the tip of the iceberg…

…I want the ability to start wars with my seduction (a la Troy), not merely get a date! I want to force Odysseus to break the ropes binding him.

And now, Dita Von Teese:

power and sexual technique

Competence proves extremely sexy.

My firm desire (pun intended) is that all women, particularly transgender women, take complete ownership over their presence and their bodies. Presence emits power. Ownership delivers power. Here I refer to “power” in a feminine network sense, enabling women full constructive influence within the relationships they build and expand. These relationships may include friendships, business connections, or romantic partnerships.

In the case of romantic connections, whether short or longterm, sexual competency wins constructive leverage. I therefore encourage all women, and again, particularly transgender women, to study sexual technique. To set an example, I’ve embarked on the reading list given below.

Why do I focus on transgender women in particular? Because we often regard ourselves as “inferior” women and I wish that to cease immediately. Furthermore, we are often sexualized for being transgender rather than treated like human partners. That probably won’t cease but can be manipulated. My opinion is that developing skill in bed resists the former mindset, and shifts control toward transwomen in the latter situation.

Regarding the latter: Instead of thinking of myself as objectified for being trans, I think of myself as having cornered a market. This economic viewpoint empowers. I can set my base price (expectation of a partner) based on scarcity. I can then increase my price (expectation of a partner) by enhancing my sexual technique.

Become a world-class lover. Own yourself. Own your power.

My reading list:

Here is the most famous one, but you should know that sexual technique is only a small part of it. Wikipedia explains this well:

Contrary to western popular perception, the Kama Sutra is not exclusively a sex manual; it presents itself as a guide to a virtuous and gracious living that discusses the nature of love, family life, and other aspects pertaining to pleasure-oriented faculties of human life.

Finally, we must learn to seduce, a skill separate from competency in bed:

ten ways to deliver class (part #1)

“Class” strategically combines humility with knowing you stand a cut above the masses.

And now we begin writing about class.

“Class” is:

  1. Knowing when to lead and performing it gracefully.
  2. Knowing when to follow and performing it gracefully.
  3. Returning your shopping cart to the requested place.
  4. Realizing the full humanity in those who serve you (e.g., at a restaurant, etc.).
  5. Sitting up straight.
  6. Using proper grammar.
  7. Admitting and apologizing for your mistakes, and immediately working to remedy them.
  8. Dressing appropriately for an occasion.
  9. Driving politely.
  10. Counting your blessings.

More to come in future editions of this series!

how to validate someone who won’t talk with you (text version)

(A video version of this content is available here).

In my post “on love“, I describe active validation of one’s beloved as a key tactic for transmitting constructive love. I further discuss how that validation must express in terms of things eternal, rather than in terms of the one sending the validation. In other words, while stating your beloved’s value to you proves important, I encourage the communication of your beloved’s value in terms of the universe or the divine.

But how do you do this when your beloved won’t talk to you (or let you write, etc.)? The mandate remains, the vitality of this action remains, and you will feel pain at the disconnect. And this scenario occurs all too frequently in our lives, so prudence dictates the formation of a plan for dealing with it.

Here I offer six strategies for successfully delivering that validation when the receiver will not communicate with you. Granted these fail to match the satisfaction of a requited in-person transmission, but they help nonetheless. By help, I mean these tactics salve your pain a bit—provide a bit of meaning and purpose. But more importantly they actually validate and uplift the other person in very real social and spiritual terms.

These six strategies, plus a bonus strategy and then two examples, follow:



Give Them Space

Learned this lesson the hard way: If a person expresses a clear wish for no communication with you, they generally mean it. Therefore the only direct way to validate them requires validation of their request by complying with it.

Again I stress that I learned this lesson the most difficult way possible, by repeatedly failing to respect my beloved’s request. This only made the situation worse—it further accentuated the distance between us. Counterproductive when working to validate.

So leave them alone!

An exception to this injunction exists, which I discuss below in the “Keep the Door Open” section of this article.

Validate and Uplift Those Around Them

If you regularly interact with folks in your beloved’s sphere of influence, work to validate them too. This accomplishes two things: First, it sets an example that those in the sphere might follow to transmit their own validation of your beloved, thereby contributing to your goal. Second, it enriches the climate your beloved lives and/or works among, as experiencing validation generally improves happiness, and happiness moves socially.

Build a Better World

Taking the last strategy to its logical next step, work to make the world a better place. Not just for your beloved, but for everyone. This validates your beloved by producing slightly better world for their children to inherit, thereby contributing to their ease and peace. One person makes a difference when they choose to.

Of course we talk about “validation” as an abstract action in this case; I argue that indirectly improving someone’s life demonstrates valuation of their life. They will likely never know. But you will know. And the divine will know. And this will aid your sleep at night.

Pray for Their Well-Being

For spiritual readers, I highly recommend regular prayer for your beloved’s and their family’s well-being. I regard this as the most powerful thing one can do for a person, provided you back it up with action if provided a chance to deliver.

Prayer for someone’s well-being declares to the divine their value to you. And (at least in my faith) the divine values the person as well, so you stand in alignment. You form a team. The divine may never employ you as a vehicle for further transmission of love for that person, but prayer sets in motion action on the part of the divine to validate and enrich your beloved’s life. (See my post “the currency of love” for further discussion of this concept).

Keep the Door Open

If you can, keep the door open for reconciliation on the transmission of radical forgiveness. Smile at your beloved. Say “hi” or wave to them if permitted. Basically, acknowledge their existence in a friendly, welcoming way.

I don’t have these option with someone I particularly love and cannot talk to right now. So I’m simply going to send her a Christmas card next December (it’s now February). I’ll address it to “Jane Doe, Attn: Peace on Earth and Goodwill Department, 123 X Street, etc.” and I’ll say little other than what comes written on the card. Hopefully that will shatter a portion of the wall between us.

Yes, by doing this I will violate her request that I not contact her, but almost a year will have passed and Christmas cards are kind. In my book a nice way to promote validation. So I’ll risk her wrath to deliver this message.



Produce Art

If inclined, produce art inspired by your beloved, or inspired by the pain of not connecting with them. Furthermore, I recommend making this art public. I write and publish songs for this purpose. I write and publish prose for this purpose.

Keep your beloved’s identity anonymous when you do this! Respect demands it!

Public delivery of such art declares to the world that someone touched your life. The individual will likely know who they are. Validation!

And whether kept public or private, I think of my process of producing art as prayer in action, as per the strategy discussed above.

Bonus Strategy: Know Your Purpose and Intent

It occurs to me that I need to write an article explaining the meaning of validation, as this article simply assumes you know. But I digress…

To validate effectively, you must know and trust your intent. If you merely desire your beloved’s attention and affection, you miss the point and will fail. One must not confuse desire with validation, though I find it “validating” to some degree when others desire me. But here I mean something far more outreaching and spiritual than romantic desire.

Intend to validate them for their value in the universe, for their value to themselves, to the divine. Only then should you validate your beloved with respect to you. Know your purpose. Know your heart!

Example

To walk the talk I now offer two examples from my own life.

In the first example, my beloved worked for the same company as myself, though in different departments. So I built relationships with individuals in her department and threw myself into projects that interacted with her department—usually offering them novel ideas on how to build their business (this was an R&D environment). By building up the individuals around her I hoped they would in turn validate her. More importantly though, I worked so hard on the projects and the business proposals to strengthen her job security. This activity served as prayer in motion. Served as indirect validation of her importance because I didn’t want her to suffer job loss.

As another example, I wrote the following song about two women at once:

While it includes expression of romantic longing, it mostly states my commitment to them as a friend, in spite of the fact that they won’t have anything to do with me. When I published this song I basically declared this commitment to the world! As I work to deliver integrity at all times, this public declaration means something to me. To others. To the divine. Expressed validation. Prayer.

Conclusion

I hope you find these strategies useful in your own life! But please do not limit these strategies’ underlying spirit to those who won’t communicate to you. Please apply them to everyone you value! Also, please let me know how it goes, or send comments and questions, by commenting on this post below or through Twitter or Facebook. I look forward to hearing from you!

See Also

radical forgiveness (video)

the currency of love

the pedagogy of love

on love