When it comes to sex, the fabulous book She Comes First declares that the vagina-carrying population reaches orgasm through cunnilingus 81% of the time, compared with 25% of the time through vaginal intercourse . Therefore, it behooves those of us who enjoy pleasing such individuals to gain skill with oral sex.
One key requirement is tongue endurance — you need to be able to last long enough to light your partner up! Fortunately, you can strengthen your tongue with exercise tools — a “gym” of sorts — devised from parts available from any hardware store. Furthermore, these tools prove easy to clean between workout sessions; just swipe the surfaces with ethanol.
Essentially, exercise your tongue with various light controls — switches, sliders, and rotators, as pictured below. (Note that I had to add a clamp to the rotator to give the tongue something to push against). Use various up and down and side-to-side motions on the switches, varying the pattern. Also employ pushing motions against these. Similarly, apply random movements through the full range of the sliders and the rotators. For all these devices, use them in both vertical and horizontal configurations to work different muscles.
The resistance provided by these devices will strengthen your tongue. That being said, start slowly, then build up; that last muscle you want to pull in the process is the one you speak and kiss with!
Note that I do NOT recommend using the controls already installed in the wall of your house/apartment/whatever. That would be unsanitary since everyone’s hands get all over these. Create a specific “gym” for your tongue like that shown below, and keep your hands off the surfaces:
Kerner, Ian. 2004. She Comes First. New York. HarperCollins.
Proud mother bright smile tense
No security badass relaxed
Chaos, bad coffee, the flow of draft beer
No security just sweetness
No security but choice
Proud brave mother tremulous composed
No reverence cool poise
Grace, resistance, and a flow of turbulence
No reverence but a strong passive bearing
No reverence just grace under fluorescent lights
Speak this language of friendship and pursuit
Speak this language of love
We seek redemption in all our verdicts
…in all our drinks
…and in all our profanity
We seek redemption in all our hope
…and in all our sincerity
Proud brave mother tremulous composed
A gentle tension and a moving release
Grace under pressure and another long night
How I dreamed of holding her tight
How I dreamed of holding her
Speak this language of friendship and pursuit
Speak this language of love
We seek redemption in all our verdicts
…in all our drinks
…and in all our profanity
We seek redemption in all our hope
…and in all our sincerity
Ships that pass in the night still pass
…and we can keep passing
My performance with special guest Queen Mab playing the Kaossilator Pro. I’m using a seven-string guitar and trying new embellishments in the guitar parts, especially in the song “Voice in the Distance”:
This story is currently under review and revision to ensure use of respectful terminology and clear statement of goals:
“Become a world-class lover. Own yourself. Own your power.” – Emily Marie Williams
My research concerning quality sexual technique leads me interesting places, most of which I will not reveal.
On this website, I’ve previously discussed my agenda to strengthen and expand women’s sexual skill—to serve as a means for gaining social power—as a means of advancing feminism. (See my article “power and sexual technique”  for an explanation of this position).
Furthermore, while the current shortfall in the quality of intimate relationships greatly exceeds the realm of sexuality (i.e., most problems emit from abuse, poor mental health, unreasonable expectations, weak communication, and selfishness), it wouldn’t hurt if couples experienced better sexual play while they addressed these other matters.
To put my money where my mouth is, I’ve spent the last several months extending my sexual knowledge and technique. Until now most of that information has come from books, which proves a limited means of learning tactile skills. Certainly books provide information the brain needs to practice quality sex—as the brain is the most important sex organ—but at some point one needs to get hands-on training from an expert.
This article illustrates my recruitment of expert training, detailing a method readers can apply in their own lives:
I have a friend who works as the matron of a Mexican brothel. Not sure whether prostitution is legal in the rough-and-tumble northern border region of Mexico, or if it is merely tolerated. Nonetheless, I was staying at her house while enjoying the Baja sunshine and looking for a property to rent or buy.
(ASIDE: If you ever run into trouble anywhere in Mexico, the most well-connected person in town—i.e., the one that can help you the most—is the matron of the town’s brothel).
She introduced me to her friend who worked for many years as an international porn star, and who, after aging out of that profession, now turns tricks for a living. We carried on pleasant conversation for several hours.
I told her about my agenda (described above) for improving the lives of American women through improving their sex lives. I told her about my study of sexual technique.
Intrigued by the idea, she offered me a private lesson so that I can take new skills home with me to teach others.
I of course paid her the standard rate for her time, plus $50 to my friend for letting us use her bed.
But she did not merely fuck me.
Instead she spent three hours instructing me in great detail. I think it was fun for her—she appeared to enjoy sharing her professional knowledge—it was not just another trick with another client. (Besides, I’m a pleasant person to be around).
She taught me positions, tongue work, the best time to put the condom on, etc. We spent a lot of time on oral sex, with her demonstrating the best method on my hardware and coaching me as I returned the favor on her hardware.
Taking a cue from Tantric tradition, she taught me how to align my partner’s Chakras [see Reference #2] to prepare them for sexual pleasure. She taught me massage techniques.
She instructed me regarding etiquette.
As a whore, she taught me from a whore’s perspective: How to encourage shy men to touch, how to communicate with men, how to negotiate price with them. She gave examples of what some men like and what others don’t, and how to find out. The examples were pretty stark, reminding me clearly of her professional activity. For example she would tell me the differences between yesterday’s client and her scheduled client for tomorrow. She instructed me on how to deal with men’s differing erection stiffness abilities.
In other words, she taught me all the skills I need to become a successful whore.
Afterward, we spent the rest of the day together chatting like friends. I checked in on her comfort level with me several times, and I think her frequent answer of “si” was genuine. Further evidence for this came when she asked if she could share a bed with me that night—not for sex—not even for cuddling—just for sleeping. I of course did not touch her during the night, as we made no agreement permitting it, and she slept soundly to the best of my knowledge.
I’m just happy that, in addition to the skills I learned, that a woman who might otherwise be cynical about her clients genuinely enjoyed spending the day and night with me.
This shows how the possible consequences of a decision do not just vary over time; the magnitude of that variance itself increases with time. For example, suppose you do something reckless like join the circus, start a business, or express love. You not only do not know the short- and long-term consequences, but the variance in the possible consequences widens as time moves forward.
So where is the optimism in this you might ask?With uncertainty lies the opportunity to create exceptional outcomes!
Now consider the exact same curve, with completely different annotation:
When we make bold decisions, consequences follow. Then we must decide how to proceed as those consequences roll in. But the number of available good responses increases with time, because wisdom increases, data flows in, and time settles disruption.
Walking through wilderness, I came upon a female tiger. She considered me, and I considered her—I calculated my next move through my fear, she simply calculated. Rapidly concluded that if I ran she’d chase me down and eat me.
So I held my head up and approached her gently. Reached out my hand and scratched between her ears. Petted her. This continued for hours despite my terror. She rolled over and cuddled with me.
She then protected me from the other tigers occupying the distance.
This relationship stood way out of my league; as I shared affection with a beautiful animal that could kill me in an instant. Yet I knew the correct path forward was to deliver genuine care to my new friend, rather than back away in fear.
The tiger then transformed into a powerful, beautiful, and wealthy woman. Beyond out of my league. But we became friends. We became lovers. She simply liked me for the courage I demonstrated when I approached and gave affection to her tiger.
When I woke up, I realized that the Hindu goddess Durga associates with tigers. Durga rides a tiger into battle to destroy demons associated with ignorance and discord. She’s badass: When she takes the form of Kali she drinks the blood of demons to prevent that blood from springing forth new demons as it splatters the ground.
Anyway, a goddess who rides a tiger into battle carrying six weapons and who drinks the blood of evil spirits is one to be feared, just like the tiger evokes fear.
Yet my constant bravery in life earned her respect and affection, and she therefore visited me in this dream.
The following is a letter to a friend, who asked me about using DNA sequencing to find an explanation for her adopted, adolescent son’s violent behavior:
I’ve thought much about violence from adoptees, as a woman I deeply love experiences the same behavior from her daughter(s). Interestingly, she adopted her daughters from a Russian orphanage—I know you also adopted from Russia. This similarity might matter as I’ll describe later.
Moreover, I’ve given much thought to household violence in general, having lived with an extremely abusive spouse for over a decade. I therefore have much to say on matters such as codependence, forgiveness, and unconditional love.
Finally, I carry a long and well-documented history of mental illness (bipolar disorder). For the most part I manage it well with medication and psychotherapy, but occasionally I require psychiatric hospitalization. Many of the articles on this blog document my experience with the disease—a narrative I’m constructing for researchers. My point is, I know quite a bit about different psychological treatment modalities and am going to recommend one in particular for your son, and another for you (below).
Your interest in your son’s genome as explanation is reasonable, and I’ve scoped out some options below that you can choose among (and get back to me for further guidance). However, I think the etiology of the violence is likely psychological or psychiatric. I’ll justify this statement shortly.
So I want to give you my complete thoughts on the matter, not just on mere genomics. Here is what I plan to discuss:
Psychology and psychiatry
PTSD and child abuse/neglect
Brain anatomy (briefly)
Identifying genes associated with violence
I’ll provide you with a list to have checked
Identifying nucleotide variants associated with violence
Looking at epigenetics and violence
How to legally analyze the data?
Alright, straight into it:
Psychology and Psychiatry
I hypothesize that violent adoptees underwent significant trauma and neglect in early childhood. I base the idea that such trauma may prompt violent behavior later on attachment theory (especially the learning—or lack of learning—of emotion regulation skills from a primary caregiver) ; and from witnessing my ex-wife’s violence, which emitted from untreated post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) caused by childhood abuse.
This I believe is the most likely explanation for your son’s behavior.
I also suspect that Russian orphanages aren’t usually healthy environments to start life in, to put it mildly.
If my theory is correct, your son needs to learn emotion regulation. Unfortunately, most therapy modalities I’ve seen only “process” feelings, but don’t treat management of intense feelings as a “skill” that can be learned and mastered. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) , by contrast, does exactly that (and more)! Initial research suggests DBT may prove appropriate to reducing PTSD symptoms . You can search for a local DBT therapist or group at . Groups exist for teenagers, and I’m sure for younger children as well.
I personally attended a DBT group for adults twice in my life. Found it extremely beneficial for attenuating suicidal ideation. Therefore I highly recommend this treatment method for anything regarding emotion dysregulation.
Medication will only take you so far. But medication is a vital component.
Remember its okay to call 911 if you need to, both for violence and potential self-harm.
The other psychological issue to consider regards yourself: Codependence.
The Wikipedia article on codependency  sums it up well: “Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.” (emphasis mine). Essentially codependents become “addicted” to the relationship dynamic (whether they like the dynamic or not) and the “helping” role they play. Like all addicts they sacrifice themselves for the addiction. In mental health situations like yours where there is an “identified patient”, the likelihood of you developing clinical codependency traits proves high.
Take care of yourself. See a counselor. Get some rest. Have some fun. Attend a codependency treatment group or a codependency support group. (I’ve attended a codependency treatment group offered by my HMO. It proved extremely helpful).
If you haven’t yet, have a neuropsychologist run a battery of test on your son. Typical tests (as in the ones I’ve taken) include:
An intelligence scale appropriate for minors
Bender Gestalt Test of Visual-Motor Integration
Wechsler Memory Scale (WMS-III)
Intermediate Visual and Auditory Continuous Performance Test (IVA-CPT)
A self-assessment inventory appropriate for minors
A self-rating scale appropriate for minors
Sentence Completion Test (SCT)
Rorschach Inkblot Technique
These tests quantify many mental health conditions, such as ADHD and antisocial behavior. The MMPI-2 is the most important one as it measures traits that may help defend your son if his behavior lands him in legal trouble (e.g., the “Antisocial Behavior” and “Disconstraint” scales of the MMPI-2). Also its finding might give you a “name” or two for your son’s specific conditions.
For an example of how I measured my own level of antisocial behavior and disconstraint, similar to how your son would be measured, see .
I don’t know much about this subject, but have a neurologist meet with your son. If they detect an anomaly in an MRI of the brain you will gain a lot of insight, and (again) gain more data to protect your son if his behavior causes legal issues. A great article discussing adolescent violence and neuroimaging can be found at , which includes the following graphic:
Notice that emotion dysregulation comes up again in this graphic. If a brain anatomic explanation is found, DBT still may be indicated. Cognitive control and ability to learn will be measured by the neuropsychologist discussed above and may correlate to MRI results.
To benefit from DNA sequencing, you need to know what to look for. Unfortunately, I expect a gene panel for “psychiatric violence” does not exist. So I designed a gene list for such a panel to provide a basis for further work. The method and resulting gene list are discussed in a separate article on this blog:
So one way of looking at the challenge is to sequence these genes and see what aberrations appear. However, most aberrations will prove benign or related to some completely unrelated issue. So I scoped out the following strategy for identifying the aberrations to look for using ClinVar , a database which we can search by disease. Unlike the gene list analysis, I have not automated the procedure yet (we’ll cross that line together if you decide to proceed with sequencing analysis). However here is a manual outcome, to demonstrate that we can pull the required information together.
We first search for the term “personality disorder”, and retrieve a list of known perturbations correlated with this cluster of diseases:
Clicking on the first variation in the list, we see that it involves an aberration in gene NRXN1. As a verification, we find NRXN1 in the gene list I produced above:
And if you’re curious, here is the aberration shown in context on its chromosome:
Again, if you decide to move forward with sequencing, I’ll automate this data extraction procedure.
So now we face a major decision: Whether to sequence your son’s entire genome or just his genes (a minor subset of the genome). What matters is the proportion of aberrations we find related to diseases involving violence that lay outside genes compared to those that lay within genes. The more of the former, the greater the need to sequence your son’s whole genome to stand a chance of finding anything.
The other thing we need to consider while identifying aberrations to search for is the strength of their known correlation to disease. We might need a cutoff threshold to remove low quality information, assume this measure is even available (I haven’t checked yet–again, right now I’m simply scoping out a strategy).
What this discussion leaves out is “epigenetics”, the science of how the environment can modify gene expression. Research suggests that PTSD causes epigenetic modification of the genome. There are ways to test for such events, and we can scope them out together if you would like. For now I’m going to skip that subject because I don’t know much about it (but can find out as needed).
Looking in the genome for disease markers is a crapshoot. At my last reckoning of the situation, there simply is not enough data recorded to make highly effective correlations for most diseases. However, this situation improves everyday. And, except for the case of epigenetics, your son’s genome is for all intents and purposes static. Therefore if you sequenced him now, and did not find anything, you might find something in a year or two using the same sequencing data.
So your next decision is whether to proceed with sequencing or focus on other ideas such as those suggested above.
If you do decide to proceed, your next move would be to find a genetic counselor to facilitate things. (That gives me legal protection if you use my gene list or aberration list). I’m simply not sure where the FDA stands on using a punk-ass hacker’s gene list to diagnose genetic disease causality outside a research-only environment. Don’t have a clue!
However being the complete anarchist that I am, if you handed me a whole-genome on a disk with the owner’s name removed, I can and will scan for these variants. If I find something I’ll say variant X suggests a remote possibility of condition Y for the genome on the disk, and that only a qualified medical doctor can confirm! It will be like an online MMPI-2 that tells you what you want to know but refers you to a licensed neuropsychologist for a legally defendable evaluation.
So again, think about this and get back to me if you want to proceed further down this rabbit hole.
The most import thing to do is commit, and constantly recommit, to love. I state the verb form of the word to emphasize that this involves a decision, a crucial choice. And let me repeat, you must continually make this choice again and again to achieve success at it.
One never knows when to turn the other cheek  and when to refuse to accept further abuse. This probably is a moving target that varies day by day. What I can say is that even when you accept such abuse in the short run, ALWAYS resist in the long game. This gives you an endgame—a goal of a better world for you and your son. It helps keep your head up. Again, play the long game.
I realized a few months ago that parents who adopt children that behave violently stand among the few who actually understand what love is. They walk among the best of us. What grieves me is how much their best get buried everyday by the stress of violence in the household.
For all the strategies I enumerated above, please hold reasonable expectations. Go for “good” outcomes not “perfect” ones. To demonstrate, I practice this concept with regard to my own mental health: Never managed to “cure” my bipolar disorder, just consider low daily mood-variance success.
Take care of yourself. Please heed my warning about codependency. It will not help your son if you cease to keep yourself together.
Remember that specific mental illnesses might have once held an evolutionary advantage in earlier times, and they therefore are only “illnesses” in the context of post-hunter/gatherer society. Knowing this doesn’t make things better, but it at least provides some comfort to me. For example, a popular idea is that ADHD holds an advantage during the hunt .
I also argue that mental illnesses, particularly those that involve occasional psychosis, exist for spiritual reasons as well. (This is not to suggest that spiritual experiences, even those due to psychosis, are not genuine). Take comfort in that possibility.
What I’m saying between the lines in these last two paragraphs is that one can learn to take advantage of their mental illness if they can attenuate its liabilities. Again, to demonstrate, my bipolar disorder offers an endless wellspring of creativity. So I fully tap that creativity at work and everywhere else.
Finally, let me talk about “radical forgiveness”, a concept I’m developing for dealing with abuse, heartbreak, etc. Essentially it’s a doctrine indicating how to practice forgiveness as a “skill” and a “discipline”, rather than treating forgiveness as some ethereal idea. Try it! This idea is best explained in my video on the topic. Please forgive the sound quality (I will re-record it soon):
Remember that at the end of the day, your son is responsible for his actions. He can learn non-violence if he works at it (e.g., through a program such as DBT). It may require a parallel spiritual awakening.
Hold him accountable. Teach character. Set an example through your own character and through taking responsibility for your mistakes.
To demonstrate these principles in action: I’ve harmed several people whom I love due to things I’ve said while experiencing bipolar mania. I don’t blame the disease. I blame myself and commit to work on preventing the disease from motivating such action. This seemingly subtle difference drives my character.
So teach him accountability. And remember that in the grand scheme of the universe we are all equal in the eyes of God—and we all need substantial work!
I started working out a holistic map of my work ethic and work values, and quickly found that linearity failed to cut it. Essentially, I need to capture the interdependencies between spiritual, social, and financial wealth. More importantly, I need to illustrate the crucial balance between these factors. Enter non-linear system dynamics:
Simulation, based on ad-hoc parameterization (because there is no way to actually measure most of these variables), demonstrates that I’m at least moving in the correct direction:
William Gibson penned Neuromancer over thirty years ago, and the 1990’s ended viciously on 9/11. With the exception of cyberfeminism, I wrote off “cyberpunk” as an ethic once we as a society stopped saying “cyber” and replaced the word with “online”.
Yesterday I traced partial assets of an individual I distrusted—and needed the straight dope from—from my laptop. Dating while transgender proves dangerous and a girl must protect herself!
In between I persistently beleaguered Microsoft as a career-long Linux hacker.
Once declared squatter’s rights on a piece of land I identified though data mining.
I walk with the Big Data devils to broadcast my signal, a means to an end. Twitter, Google, Amazon, and Facebook receive my data, and in exchange they amplify my cultural imperative.
And they know where the real value in data lies: Not in the records themselves but in the interconnections between them.
Emergent properties steered by unholy gods.
“Cyber”: Greek for “to steer”.
Steering a boat requires connecting the data: Position, velocity, acceleration, time. State variables alone won’t suffice.
When we get burned by Cambridge Analytica or the Russian Federation, we realize our individual technological vulnerability.
Propaganda is hacking: Implant bias, implant ideas, grow emergent outcomes. Seduction is a system intrusion.
Technological warfare and psychological warfare forever link.
Class war must proceed asymmetrically.
I only trust the Prophets, not the Church, not the State, not the Oligarchs.
And we can be prophets in cyberspace. We can create technology that liberates the world.
We can steer toward our own emergent outcomes.
We can end material scarcity.
Love forward. Program. Network. Build enterprise. Produce art. Write. Love forward.
Jam the system, and prepare to be jammed by the punks that follow you.
The 1990’s are dust, but the “system” still remains cybernetic control. Therefore resistance remains cyberpunk.
I’m publishing this strategy because maybe it will help someone else survive in the future:
I feel an intense psychiatric compulsion to suicide every time I experience romantic heartbreak. It’s simply part of my bipolar disorder (which I improve management of everyday). Usually I’m well adept at handling these situations and moving quickly out of them.
However, this morning’s heartbreak incident proved much more difficult to manage; I moved beyond psychiatric compulsion and actually considered offing myself. It’s not that the woman involved is any more awesome than previous situations (she is), it’s just that I feel beaten down from years of serial heartbreak. I always get back up again after getting knocked down. Won’t ever stop doing that. But sometimes one just needs a break.
To survive, I constructed the following two-part argument, built entirely on the deep love I have for this woman. I reframed survival as an expression of this love:
First, and less importantly, she asked me not to contact her in the future, which I intend to honor. I realized that if I took my life she would certainly find out—which be a form of contact—a message somewhere between “I love you” and “fuck you”.
This first reason isn’t particularly rational, but the second reason carries tremendous clarity and precision:
Taking my life in response to her rejection would likely traumatize her, even though my action wouldn’t be her fault by any stretch of the imagination! I could not do this to her. She’d spend a lifetime second-guessing her decisions, and potentially years on unnecessary guilt. She’d perhaps require therapeutic intervention. It would disrupt her life in significant ways. I cannot do this to someone I love, who’s well-being I care so much about. So better for me to endure the pain which will pass in time.
The interesting thing about this last reason is that, while I constructed the argument expressed above based on concern for her well-being, I was even more concerned about her son’s well-being (who doesn’t know me). Here is my logic: If my beloved withdrew into trauma due to a suicide on my part, she would be less able to provide emotionally for her son. This of course would do great damage. Again, I cannot do this to someone I care about, so I’ll endure the pain.
I’ve discovered a complete willingness to manipulate men into one-night stands purely to stroke my ego. (The trick is to let men feel like their own ego is in charge).
However, I experience complete moral repulsion at the idea of treating women this way.
I think my reason comes from evolutionary psychology: Women may become pregnant and therefore require support during their “down time”, the period when hunting and gathering would be difficult due to carrying a child—consequently they learned to highly value relationship stability across an evolutionary timeframe.
However, men can deliver sperm without such risk to their livelihood. Therefore they experienced less evolutionary pressure to value relationships than women. Given that I don’t want to hurt anyone, I provide far more ongoing commitment to my romantic relationships with women than men, due to the difference in evolutionary psychology between the sexes illuminated above.
Men do love, and greatly. I certainly did when I identified as one.
Moreover, I’ve realized that the manner in which I love IS very masculine (culturally), and that that is extremely unlikely to change. For example, I carry a strong “hero instinct”–want to solve problems for my beloved. I delight in the role of “pursuer”: Will combine culturally masculine flirtation technique to make my intention clear no matter how impeccably feminine I appear. I would feel shame if I couldn’t economically provide for a partner, despite the fact that times have supposedly evolved beyond that. Most significantly, I want to provide a constant beacon of (inner) strength.
Certainly, I have love-traits we could label as culturally feminine (commitment to radical kindness and collaboration). But the sum total of how I love leans strongly masculine.
And that is where things get interesting. Evokes my moral crisis:
I am a complete predator when I pursue women. Calculating. Shrewd. Persistent. Experimental. Adaptive. Creative. Subtle. Patient.
My motives prove decent but never pure. I operate by gaining the trust of women through my innate femininity (even did so back when I was “Dan”), and then later strike at opportune moment. My metaphor for this activity is “moving through the back door” when most suiters only show the wit to try the front. I suppose the redeeming feature of this maneuver is that the trust I establish is 100% genuine—as my intent always is to create a successful long term relationship (which relies firmly on trust).
So I demonstrate capacity for commitment during my pursuit. I only act this way when I’m prepared to deliver.
The other redeeming feature in this approach is that I only practice it when I’m completely besotted. Therefore the woman involved holds all the power!
The moral crisis lies in the fact that I do not like the idea of being a “predator”. But that is the correct word, so I’ve accepted it. More to the point, I’ve accepted the duality of being simultaneously predatory and noble in my pursuit, of delivering both genuine trust and absolute danger.